Message from the parents, to their daughter's love interests:

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or pastors within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Well, I started my post earlier with the thought that I had nothing to say ... but I knew I wanted to be posting. Now, I am speaking to finish all the earlier thoughts and updates. Let's start where we started ... Joey.

She has made a little friend. There is this little boy named Tyler that she goes to play with and she is so in awe of him. Every day Joey is asking to play with him, and asking when can she go play with him again. She is his favorite person too ... until we get there. He is so sweet and cute, and his mom says that he is always asking for Joey to play. But once we get there it is another story. They bicker and argue and Ty doesn't want to share, so Joey pops him one and then he will hit her back. It is her own fault ... but how can they ask and beg for each other for a week, and then fight the whole time they are together to play? Anyone else have this semi-problem? I am sure that it will resolve itself as the kids get older and more mature. As they learn to play better with other kids. I don't know.

Okay, moving on along here ... Ryan. The book thing? Well, I thought that it was dead, done, over. But he sent a reply the other day. Now what am I supposed to do? I told him that I would check out the book again and do the next chapter, but then I was going to turn it in again. I told him that I am not getting my hopes up about that again, and that if we do it, it is now because he wants to. I also made it clear that I am in no hurry to go check the book back out. We talked about it when he sent the reply on Saturday. I haven't gotten the book yet. But I am going to go get it tomorrow. After that ... it is up to him. And as for the wedding plans? They are still on, but slowing down. We have run into some snags that are ... well,

....

they aren't just snags. They are total excitement-suckers. Things like, "What food to have at the reception?" We could finally move on to that one, because I finally won the "BEER OR NOT TO BEER" fight. Yikes ... he wanted to have a keg. What was I supposed to do ... deck it out in my roses? I can see it now ... all the men in the crowd crowded around the keg, sweating from the beer and hating their ties because of the sweat. Most likely, they would be hating the flowers draped over their manly keg too. All the women? At the other end of the room, angry with their men for abandoning them for the beer. A flashback to every middle school dance that I ever went to, with the addition of alcohol to replace the "punch bowl". Uh, no. But we are agreed now that I made it clear that I am not against ALL alcohol. Just the kind that would be more suited to a bbq. So we are going tasting at a few vineyard/wineries in the next few months. One of them even does custom labels.

Another snag? Everyone we know ... "You are planning too early," or "You should know better than to get married again." Well, that second one is for me, of course. From my family. The ones that should be happy for me. Like my mother for Christ's sake. And I haven't told my father that we are planning yet. He'd have a stroke! Total excitement-suckers. My response the early-planning?? Good. If I am planning early, we can make sure that we get what we want. When we want. We can make sure that we KNOW what we want so that we can get it. We have a chance to prevent some kinks, and maybe work some of them out early. Also ... big money saver! We looked for mountain chalet rental prices. The cabin that we want is a couple hundred if we book it now for after the wedding ceremony. If we book the same cabin now for next year at the same time? A few thousand! Big savings? Yep. So we will be booking ASAP. And if by chance we don't get married then? Well, the reservation can be canceled. If we don't get married but are still together? Everyone can use a vacation right? That's what we'd turn it into.

My response to the "Don't do it" people? Well, that one is easy and simple. Just because they let one (or several) bad experience make them bitter and miserable doesn't mean that I have to. And I am a romantic at heart. I can't be bitter ... I tried. When Richard and I split I tried so hard to hate him and make everything his fault. But it wasn't. I had my share too. Granted, my share was more like, "I got myself into this mess" and his share was like, "He's an @$$/loser/druggie/liar/promise breaker." But I had my share of faults ... still do. I even tried to hate him for abandoning Jo. But I can't do that either because I know that she is better off without him. Who needs that kind of dad? He would only have broken her heart, and taught her to look for the wrong men. And I can't hate him for being honest. Without the penis ... he didn't want kids. He just neglected to tell me that. But that's okay. No bigee. I wanted her bad enough for both of us. And now? I don't have to be both parents anymore.

So I am moving on, and praying that this time, I come out on top. I just want my shot you know? My family, in the sense that I have always thought that family should be. What girl doesn't want that? This time ... I think I am going to be okay. I used to joke with Ryan and tell him that even if we broke up for some heinous reason, he'd still be like relationship-Neosporin after Richard. I still think that. I have grown up a lot, and so has Ryan. We are different people now than we were when we got together. The thing that makes that okay is that we still feel in love. That means that instead of growing apart, we are growing together. For now at least. And in the meantime, I am going to be girly and excited ... even if I'm doing it with only Ryan. Even if I am the only one I know (besides Ryan) who is excited for me ... for us.

There is one thing though. I am scared this time. I don't know if I can really be completely trusting again. I think that even though I took my marriage with Richard seriously, I wasn't scared enough. If I had been, I'd have been more on my guard and would never have gotten myself in that deep. Now? I am scared ... and I see it as a good thing.

There really isn't.

It seems that once I am out of turmoil of the emotional variety, I lose interest in things, and my life loses it's zest. If I am not freaking out about something that is probably silly, then it seems to me that I am plain and boring. And so is my simple life. Then again ...

Joey is doing awesome with the potty lately. She had one "accident" today that I'm sure was more rebellion than accident. Anyway it was dealt with kindly because it is the first in weeks. MY little princess has been dry day and night for over a week ... maybe two? I'm not sure. And I think that now we have that brat Calliou out of the picture, I am hard at work to find the angel that seems to be hiding behind the little devil's spawn that I have been so frustrated with for the past few weeks.

Now who would ever have thought to find a mom who thought of little bald Calliou as a brat? I do. It only took one show seen on a repeated basis to ruin my daughter, in spite of our talks about why Calliou's behavior in that particular episode was not exactly good. In this episode, Calliou gets up early in the morning, before anyone else. He thinks that today is the day for the circus, so he is attempting to get dressed on his own so his parents won't have to dress him. How sweet ....

I smirked as I watched Calliou pull his shirt on, then his shorts. I laughed when he pulled his socks on so hard that he shoved a toe through one of the socks. I laughed again when he pulled his shoelaces so tight on one shoe that they broke off. Then he went excitedly to the bathroom to brush his teeth and just as he shoots toothpaste all over himself, his father shows up behind him at the door.

DAD: Whatcha doin' Calliou?

CALLIOU (in the trademark high-pitched whine): I'm getting ready daddy. Today is the circus!

Me, watching: Awww, how cute ...

DAD: Today isn't the right day Calliou. The circus is tomorrow.

CALLIOU: What? No circus? But - But - But I got all dressed daddy. The circus is today daddy ... It's today ...

DAD: It is tomorrow Calliou, but that's okay. We can play today and go tomorrow morning when it is time. Let's go downstairs and make some breakfast.

CALLIOU (winding up for the blowout): No! NO, I don't want to!

At this point, my daughter is riveted. An explosion in front of her face would not take her eyes from the screen at this moment.

DAD: Okay ...

And then the dad leaves his grumbling son behind, in the bathroom. Calliou proceeds to fling himself on the floor, still grumbling, and he picks up a car to play with. As he is rolling it back and forth along the floor, one of the wheels pops off. Now, I am not completely cold, okay? I've got a heart. At this point in my watching experience I am just full of sympathy for this poor kid whose day really got off to a bad start. But here it comes ...

As the wheel pops off the car, Calliou throws himself in the floor, fists and feet all going at once, and shrieking at the top of his lungs. He wakes up the rest of the house, his father comes to lecture him for waking Rosie (the little sister), and then they go down to breakfast. Somehow, Joey didn't see the lecturing part.

She missed it.

Maybe that was the part where my imaginary explosion happened ... and she just didn't see the lecture through the flames.

So from that day on, my daughter proceed to throw fits of temper ... a lot of them. She also added "NO I DON"T WANT TO!!!" to her vocabulary. Nice huh? What a great show.

It took me a while to figure out what was going on with her, but now that we have been a week or so without the cute, bald, screaming Calliou, the tantrums are dwindling, and the "NO I DON"T WANT TO" only comes in a mumble. Thank GOD for the return of her real personality and the cure for the bout of "Wow-that's-cool" syndrome that she had contracted.

Maybe there is news ... I have some more, actually.

*To be continued ...

Does anyone know how to change the layout of your blog page? I've got the colors down and stuff, but I am not good enough at HTML to be able to change the layout without some help ... can anyone help with this?