Sorry that things seem this way for you Miss Brandi. I might could say that a lot of times, men get content in a relationship, after the pinnacle of "the new togetherness" and get settled in a comfortable spot. They are comfortable with the relationship and so they feel that they don't need to talk about. That just because it seems okay to them, it is okay to you. And believe me, Miss Brandi, i have no other word, and mean no offense, but the constant "nagging" about the relationship, just pushes them away. My wife does that to me a lot less than she use to. She always knows when there is something on my mind, but just doesn't know what. So she use to constantly ask "whats wrong?". And I'd say "nothing.", even though it was a lie. Because I had to be ready to tell her what was on my mind when I was ready. Because men just don't open up like women do. I'm not saying that is a good excuse, that is just the way that men are. As far as with your child, again women usually tend to have more patience then men as well. As far as I can say for myself, it is the chaos and disorder that come with children that gets the best of me. But these are just my opinions and observations, don't take them as truth. 8-) Take care Miss Brandi.

My Response:

Has it occurred to you that maybe women wouldn't "nag" so much if you guys would actually get off your butts and care enough to help us keep our relationships alive? It isn't about getting comfortable in a relationship, because that is when men take their women for granted. This is when women begin to feel unappreciated, and if they say, "Honey I miss the good old days when you would actually appreciate my efforts and thank me for them," then she is "nagging". Comfort in a relationship is the point when solving a relationship problem becomes "nagging."

I think that "nag" is an idiot word made up by men who don't care enough whether they are making their women happy, and they need an excuse not to fix the problem... Maybe if a man actually cared enough to stay plugged into their relationships, women wouldn't need to complain about how they feel (or don't feel). Guess what men? Selective hearing is NOT an asset! Why is it that when a woman is unhappy and she is trying to communicate to her partner how he can help her to save the relationship, she becomes a "nag"?

But when a man is unhappy and says so, his woman had better fix it and fast, otherwise he will go elsewhere and it is the woman's fault for not keeping her man happy? God forbid if your woman said she isn't happy and you need to talk. Maybe the fact that women are seen as "naggers" instead of "communicators" is part of our divorce rate... I think that women would be more happy to stay in their marriages if men would care enough about them to actually listen to their problems and try to help. the world doesn't revolve around men, you know. why is it that when you first get into a relationship, the man is always grateful when a woman cleans, cooks, or is receptive in the bedroom? Sometimes, a woman doesn't want to clean, would rather have a sandwich, and isn't in the mood... But when she tells you this is because you don't appreciate her, you say "I'm doing the best I can." Bullsh*t.

If you were doing the best you could, you'd forget that you already won her and you'd keep trying. That's the best you can, and she knows that because she will remember when she was important enough for you to pull out all the stops! As for the "disorder" that comes with children ... Then don't be retarded and hook up with someone who has one if you can't handle it! The child and the woman come part and parcel, you can't like the child just because you like the mother. That is unfair to the child and the mother, who will know how you feel and suffer for knowing it. Especially if the child ends up being the one who is more in love with the man, because he won't listen and communicate with the mother.

You told me not to take your opinion as truth? I don't. I find that it contributes to my discontent, because I know that most men think like you do, and this is a tragic way of thought. Men always say, "Talk to me ... What's wrong?" But when we bare our hearts to you guys and make ourselves vulnerable to you by telling what is wrong and hoping that you will care enough to fix it, you just go, "Oh, there she is. Nagging again." No wonder we say that all the good ones are taken or gay. And you know? I think that all the good ones are just gay, because once a man is "taken" by a woman, he ceases to be a good one.

I wrote the "Contentment" post when I was at my mom's on Saturday. The day had just been wonderful, and I felt so happy. But now the weekend has gone downhill, and since I'm feeling so down, I have realized something else.

I have figured out why I haven't been posting as often. It isn't because I don't have anything good to say. It's because I don't want to disillusion people. So many people are always telling me how inspiring my posts are, how great they are. But I am down sometimes too ... and how inspiring can I be then?

Another reason I haven't written is this: I don't know if Ryan reads this or not anymore. If he doesn't ... okay then I can vent. If he does ... well, if he reads it and things change, GREAT!!!! Because I want to see some change in my relationship and the way I feel, but I just don't want to be the whiny complaining girlfriend, you know? If he reads it and things don't change? Then if/when I find out that he's reading it and nothing changes ... does that mean that my feelings don't matter to him?

That's how I feel. Another thing? What if he reads something that I have written honestly but not nicely. I don't want to hurt his feelings. Does that sound stupid? Hmmm.

But anyway, since I'm not having any outlet for my malcontent, it's building and building. AND BUILDING. I have had a lot of unpleasant thoughts lately. Thoughts about Ryan, and how much I matter ... or DON'T matter to him. When we first got together, I felt like I was his everything. Anything that I had to say was interesting to him. Anything I put on to wear was beautiful. Anything I cooked? Well, we'll skip that ...

But now? I feel like when I've got his attention, it's because one of my parts has gotten the attention of one of his parts. But why am I less interesting as a whole? Why is it that when I cook for him so that he doesn't have to bother, it's either the wrong food, or if it is the right food, I didn't do it right? He calls me his wife, because he says wants me to be. But if I can't get it right ... why would he choose me?

I used to feel like his wife, so loved, cherished. I felt so special, so important to him. But now? I feel like I could be here or not be here, and it wouldn't matter. Some days I feel like if Joey was kidnapped or something, he wouldn't even notice. But I'm sure he would appreciate the peace and quiet. This isn't good. And I've told him for weeks ... months, that I feel like that. Knowing that I've told him that many times and for that long that I feel this way, and I am STILL feeling like this? Well, that makes me feel worse.

When I talk, I feel like he isn't really listening, like he's just waiting for his turn to jump in and tell me I'm wrong. I don't even really talk to him anymore, because I feel like he just thinks I am retarded or something. When he talks to me now, I feel like he is teaching me ... Talking down to me.

I'm insulted by it because I am a very intelligent person (not boasting, just true), and I used to love him so much because he talked to me like we were equals. He used to tell me how smart he thinks I am. Used to. I understood him, he understood me. But I don't feel that anymore. And Joey ... Well every time he over-reacts to her, it's like a slap in the face because we have been through this and been through this. I just feel lost and hurt and I don't know what to say to him anymore because I don't feel like he's listening to me half the time anyway...

Sometimes when Joey and Ryan have been fighting over Joey just being a kid, I just want to say, "If you knew that this was your last time seeing her, would you be yelling at her for eating her ketchup by itself?" But jeez then that would be a fit! It's almost pointless to even try to talk about it. When I do try to talk to him, he just stops any effort period. He says that he feels like I yell at him whenever he says anything, so why should he say anything? But what about me? And Joey? I feel like he's yelling at Jo for stuff she doesn't know any better than to do. He's yelling at her for being two.

And last night, after I'd been really upset all evening and he hadn't one time asked me if I was okay, he finally said as I was trying to go to sleep, "Talk to me." So I did. I tried to tell him how I feel like he doesn't need me anymore, and how I'm beginning to feel like I can't get anything right. I told him lots of stuff. But I don't feel like it was even worth it to bare myself like that. I don't even feel like he was listening. GOD I feel so lost...

Lately I have noticed a change in my life... I am now more content than I have ever been in my life. I have learned to be grateful for what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't have, or what everyone else DOES have. I am happy where I am, because I have an address that is mine. My apartment is small and not the best... but it is mine.

I can go where I want to (mostly) because I have a car that runs. It isn't anything fancy, and the paint job isn't in the best shape, sometimes I don't have gas money ... but the car is mine and it runs to take me where I need to be.

I can eat when I want to, whether I should be eating or not! Sometimes it isn't the best food, it isn't served up on gorgeous plates by gorgeous waiters. It isn't made to be pretty. Sometimes it isn't even what I am in the mood to eat. But I know that it is there, and that I can eat it if I want to. It will nourish my body, even in the hard times when my taste buds are left wanting.

I live in a place where I can turn the light on and off whenever I want to. It is warm when I need it to be and cool when I need it to be. It keeps me protected from the storms outside, from the dangers that lurk in today's world. It is mine, and it may not be perfect, but it is a blessing like no other. It is security.

I have music to soothe my soul when I am down, when I desperately need a touch to lift my spirits. I have books to read when my mind is in need of challenge. I have television in my home for when I need to meditate, or vegetate. I have this website, a place to unleash my burdens, my troubles. I have a computer with which to access this website. I have family ... enough said.

I have my DAUGHTER, the richest blessing in my life. She is cheerful and loving, kind and smart (she can count to three, she knows which color is pink, she can show one, two or three fingers ... there's more, but this is not that post...). She is beautiful, and let's face up to the truth here... all children are NOT pleasant to look upon. But she is, and she is not like Richard in appearance. She is not a reminder of broken dreams and broken promises. She is precious and she lights my life in ways that even the sun can not compare. She has been in the past, the only thing keeping me alive, keeping me from giving in to despair.

In my lowest times, I could not harm myself because I would not leave her behind. And I could never have hurt her to take her with me. She was my life, the reason that I had kept a life that I no longer wanted. Now, I live to make sure she always wants her life. I want to teach her that there is always someone out there worse off than you... Always. She is no longer the only reason for my being alive, but she is one of the biggest reasons that I am searching for truth and knowledge. So I can teach her. I reach out for ways to better myself and reach my goals so that I can show her that all things are possible, that she CAN achieve, if only she is brave enough to DESIRE SOMETHING.

I have Ryan ... this man who may not be perfect, but I believe he might be perfect for me. When I am in his arms, my heart is so full of peace and quiet. So content. He is someone who listens to me (mostly) when I talk about my dreams, my desires. Things that I want for me, for Joey, for us. He talks back to me (when he has something to say) about those things that rest in his own heart. He respects me ... The physical part of our relationship is never a fight, never a guilt trip. NEVER AN ISSUE. When there is physicality, there is. When there isn't, there isn't. No biggie. The way it should be. When I am feeling like such a loser, he is the first person there to cheer me on and tell me that it is okay, that I am okay and that things will be all right.

When I am scared or worried, he is there to love on me and say, "No worries, baby. I will see that things are okay. Trust me." He loves me, and makes me feel that I am genuinely cared for. He makes me feel that I am like some rare precious jewel to him, That if he doesn't hold me tight enough, I will slip away. Like if he doesn't cherish me enough, I will disappear. So he tries to make sure I am held and loved and that I feel cherished. He makes sure that I feel special as his woman.

And beyond all my blessings, I have GOD. Always there for me even before Ryan and Joey. When I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find an apartment on my own, GOD was there. When I have worried about money for food for Joey, GOD was there. When I worried about my car breaking down and me unable to fix it to be able to take Jo to her doctors, GOD was there. When I longed for spirituality in ANY form, GOD was there. Loving me, waiting for me. Reaching out to me and hoping that I would finally reach back.

Finally, I did. And now GOD is truly by my side, just waiting to reward me with the next blessing, the next trial, the next lesson. And I can't wait, because GOD has made sure that even the hard lessons and the terrible trials have brought blessings and new knowledge into my life.

I don't even know how to end this post ... I have just too much thought coming ... To much gratitude. When you feel like you have nothing, like you will always just have nothing, STOP. Think about what you do have. Even the little things are big blessings...

This is a copy of a comment that I received. I am copying it onto a post for those who won't (or can't or don't know how to) look at the comments that have been posted. So here's the comment:

Miss Brandi, I must ask you a legitimate question, without any intention of mocking you or starting an argument. But if God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are all in one, then I take it that it was God (as your post said) was who came to earth in Jesus' earthly body, then how was it that God was able to resurrect himself if he was dead? This comment was posted by Adam_Warlock_2099 ...

Here is my response, and Adam, thank you for posting your comment in a respectful manner. Debates have never been my strong point, but I appreciate being able to discuss My beliefs in a peaceful manner. And Laurel, let me know know what you think. I thought of you as I wrote it ... Any other comments are welcome also, of course ...

My friend, first you must trust and understand that GOD is able to do anything. I believe that once you have accepted GOD into your heart and your life, He sets up a place in you. For Christians, HE resides in all of us. But Jesus ... Well, that was the plan. When Jesus came to us in earthly form, He was only human. But when He went to temple and learned of GOD and learned from GOD His purpose, He obeyed as our bible today tells us to do. He went to John the Baptist, and was baptized.

John said, "Who am I to baptize you Jesus?" But Jesus had him to do it anyway, and when it was done, Matthew 3:16-17 says, "As soon as Jesus was baptized, He went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on Him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased.'"

Here's the thing with this, though, because many would say, "Well how do you know it is true?" The answer is basically, it is all or nothing. GOD gave us freedom of choice, to believe or not to believe. But you don't pick and choose. It is all true, or none of it is true. Not just bits and pieces. As a Christian, I believe that it is all true, including the Spirit of GOD, and the way it descended upon Jesus when GOD approved of Him to be the Son.

He wasn't born the Son. I believe He was born the one chosen to BE the Son. There is a difference, and the difference is that if He was born the Son, He would have gone through and merely done His purpose. He might not have been so warm as a human, knowing that He was only here to die. But He was born with the choice, like all of us. He could have chosen to sleep around and drink too much and commit crimes. He didn't.

He chose to be clean and kind. He chose to be warm and loving. He chose to be innocent for our sakes, because that is what GOD had instructed Him to do, and He believed that in Heaven, He would be rewarded for His obedience to GOD. He was sinless and pure and THAT is why He was "adopted" by GOD to be our savior.

I also think that if He had not had freedom of choice, He would not have been as precious. He choose, when he was starving in the desert to stay there and trust in GOD. He chose, when Satan tempted him, to turn him away and beat him with the Word of GOD. HE CHOSE.

That is what makes Him such a model for us, it's what makes Him so pure. He chose, knowing what would happen to Him, and knowing that if He would sin just a few times, then He would not die for us, as He would no longer be the clean Lamb of Sacrifice. Then He would be just a man. But He CHOSE to remain pure of heart so that GOD could use Him to save US.

Thanks for the opportunity to witness this morning ... and I pray that GOD will lead those who need to see this here, that they might be saved by Jesus Christ.

 

I gotta say: Thank you Father, for the people that you have place in my life. My life has been blessed because of these new friends, and my spirit has grown in you because of the thoughtful conversations I have has with certain people. Thank you Father for all the ways that you have blessed and cared for me ... In the Holy name of the SON who gave his all ... AMEN.

Today was great... yesterday was great!!!!

We went last night to Ryan's parents' house again, and they once AGAIN made me feel totally accepted and loved. Matt and Leslie and I had a bible study at their house ... Cool!!! Matt pointed out a lot interesting things to me. He showed me some verses where the bible talks about cars. "Chariots encased in shining steel" or something close to that. He showed me a lot of things, and we talked about the way he sees the Trinity, the Godhead.

He pulled out a pencil (crayon) and held it up to me. He asked me to look at it and tell him if it was real. I said yes and he asked me, "Why? What makes it real? Think science." I didn't know what to say. Pick up a pen or pencil ... anything really, and think about what makes it real. I'll wait.

.....

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.....

.....

Done yet? Here's the answer. It has length, right? What about width and depth? Yes? Right. That's what makes it real to us. It is three-dimensional. Now turn your thoughts ... Think about the "Godhead." Father, Spirit, Son? Right? Three dimensions? Maybe. Think about it, and see how you feel. I am not nearly as articulate as Matt was yesterday, as I am still a "Baby Christian", but I found our conversation engaging and fascinating.

We also talked about the idea of perfection, and about humans thinking (or not thinking) that they are perfect. He said to me, "Are you perfect?" And I said, believing sincerely, "Not by a long shot." Well, he looked me right in the eye and said, "Think again."

Me:

He said, "When you accepted Jesus Christ, you repented of your sin right?" Then we got into talking about that, and we talked about the real meaning (historically) of the word repent. It means "stop, turn around, and go the other way." To truly repent, you have to not only be sorry, but you have to STOP DOING IT. Who already knew that?

Anyway, he said that GOD sees us as perfect. Why? Because who was perfect? ... Jesus. Jesus was perfect, without flaws and without sin. Perfect. And because of the sacrifice, GOD sees us through Jesus, right? Perfectly. In GOD's eyes? Perfect.

We also talked about how Jesus was the embodiment of GOD the Spirit. When Moses was on the Mount to receive the Commandments from GOD, he said to GOD, "Let me see you." GOD denied him, and when Moses asked why, GOD said, "When you see me, you will surely die." Why?

Because sin is like darkness and GOD is the light. Turn out the lights in the room you are in right now. Make it dark. Then, light a candle. See how the light kills the darkness which is unable to flee? That is how sin reacts to GOD's light. And as humans, we are FULL of sin. We would die if exposed to GOD in his full glory.

How must it have been for Jesus to be here? GOD in the flesh, he could see us and touch us. He could look upon us from right beside us and know that we could see him, and ... WE DIDN'T DIE! How must it have been? He'd waited for so long, he'd only been able to watch us from afar, and we could not look upon him. But when he came in Jesus, he was beside us. We could look upon him, and speak freely to him without fear or death. How amazing that must have been for him!

We talked about one day when Matt was praying and GOD said to him, "Why do you love me?" Matt told me that he went through all of the "Good" Christian answers ... "Because you loved me first ..." "Because you gave your Son for me ... " You know the ones.

And GOD said to Matt, "But why do YOU love me?" I will keep the rest to myself as the conversation get rather personal, but tell me this ...

If you love GOD, really love him ... Why?