Well, the past week or so has been so sucky! I have missed blogging, but I just didn’t have anything good to say ... So here’s the lowdown:

You all know about Ryan trying really hard to get used to Joey, and some of you know about how deep the conflicted emotions between Ryan and Joey were affecting me. Well, it came to a head last week as I hated the situation but was struggling to be silent and to be patient with both of them. As I watched, I just felt worse, and as I kept it to myself I started to wonder if telling Ryan how I felt AGAIN would even make any difference. If he even cared. Then came Saturday...

We went to my mom’s and it seemed Ryan and Joey were at it all day, so I was in a VERY foul mood when we left to go home. Still silent, though, unless you count b*tching to my mom whenever Ryan went outside ... Anyways ... We got home and then it just got worse. It was almost nine o’clock so Joey was tired and cranky. Joey was cranky, so I was crankier than I already had been. Well she wanted to go up the stairs herself, but I had forgotten my coat and was really cold, so I was just like, "Jeez, COME ON ALREADY!"

So I’m griping to Jo, "Come on, it’s cold, come on, it’s late ..." And Ryan lost his patience because she wasn’t listening and when I picked her up to carry her up, she started screaming. So Ryan was like, "Joey, hush and get your butt in the house like mommy asked you!" And I shouted at him to stop shouting at her. Then he didn’t say anything the rest of the night or all day Sunday. Making it worse? Uh ... Yeah!

Well, we ended up talking on Sunday night, and it started with a letter that I will include here because I still feel worried about some of this stuff . It was like this:

 

When I was cleaning the bedroom today I found a letter from me to you about how much I felt lucky to be with you and how wonderful you were to me and Joey. Each thing I mentioned being happy about was followed with, "But you don’t do it that much anymore..." Did you stop caring about me and Joey as much or something? Sometimes I feel that since we aren’t that new to each other anymore, we have stopped appreciating each other, and I hate that.

I remember in the beginning when I couldn’t wait to get up and get dressed in the morning so that Joey and I could go pick you up. For the few hours that you were gone, I missed you so much and I couldn’t wait to see you again. Even if we DID talk on the phone the whole time we were apart. And when we weren’t together or on the phone... we were thinking of each other. What happened? I spend a lot of time wondering now why you don’t seem as interested in me as you did before ... am I less pretty, do I seem less smart, am I not as good to talk to, not as fun ... What?

Now I feel like you don’t really want to talk to me or be with me anymore ... When we are together, one of us is busy doing one thing and the other is busy doing something else. I feel like you don’t have anything to say to me, and when you do, sometimes there is a tone in your voice that reminds me of being in high school or something. Like you are talking down to me... Do you feel that you need to? Or when you are encouraging me to go and spend our time elsewhere. When you tell me, "Hey why don’t you go here, or there, and I’ll stay here?" I feel like, after all the time you spend at work away from us, you come home and you don’t want to see me and Jo. What a difference from the beginning, huh?

It is so rare that we actually spend time together just being together. Whenever we are together anymore, it seems that we are always just being involved physically. I miss being spoken to, Ry. It’s why I so rarely come to you and take you to bed anymore ... It’s why I don’t get you kissing anymore. Sometimes I come to you and I just want to kiss you for hours. That’s all, just kiss. Like we used to. But then you reach out for me, and you don’t have the look on your face that you used to. The one that was just happy and content to hold me and be with me. Now you have a look of, "What else is going to happen?" Do you ever wonder why I come to you and kiss you, then I just pull away and go do something else? That’s why. I used to feel like you could hold me for hours and just talk to me and kiss me. Now ... I feel like you only talk to me or kiss me when you want to get busy, and even then it seems that we are in a hurry. The time just isn’t the same. I miss you.

Please don’t feel attacked when I try to talk to you about Joey and the way you guys are together... That isn’t what I’m trying to do. But, Ryan, I just can’t sit back and ignore how I feel about this. Her happiness is something that, as her mother, I have to look out for. I need to believe that you care about her and that you aren’t just dealing with her to be with me.

Didn’t you tell me before that I could always come to you and talk about us and not have to be afraid to? That’s all I’ve been trying to do. But whenever I try to talk to you, it seems like you just say, "Okay, I heard you, but it doesn’t matter." That’s how I’ve felt lately. Like I can’t talk to you about things that bother me, because talking won’t accomplish anything. I don’t want you to feel like I am telling you to not talk to Joey or not correct her. I’m just asking you to try to balance the correcting with the fun that you guys have together. Just give her more freedom to be a kid, that’s all.

I’ve seen how much fun you guys have together when you are just playing and wrestling around. Why is that so rare ... do you just do it because you feel obligated? Sometimes I wonder, and I think that when you say you don’t know what else to do to bond with her, that’s how. Just be with her, play with her. It’s easy to bond with a child ... if you want to in your heart. That’s what makes me wonder if you really want her, or if she’s just like the fleas that came with the dog. You have already won her heart ... why is she having to work so hard for yours?

Why is it, that lately when I come to you and tell you that I am upset about something (or when you catch me being upset and not talking to you), you push me and Joey away from you for a while? Why do you feel that the easiest solution to our problems is just to shut me out and not talk to me? It makes me feel like you don’t care enough to be open with me anymore. We never talk about how you feel about things (like me, Joey, future stuff, anything) ... I feel like you don’t open up to tell me anymore, and you didn’t a lot in the beginning anyway.

I miss knowing what you thought and felt because you would tell me, instead of making me guess. I never know what to say, because I don’t want to hurt you, but I miss not having to worry about it. I miss being able to just talk to you and work things out like we used to. We didn’t have to fight, we didn’t argue and ignore each other, we didn’t get mean and tense. We would just talk and then things would be okay. How come it isn’t that way anymore? What has changed so much to make such a difference?

He wrote some stuff back that got us to really talking, and since he wrote it and I’m sure it is personal to him, I will not post it here. But by the end of the night, we both had some things to work on to improve our relationship. I have seen real effort yesterday, and this morning, which was amazing since Ryan is pretty sick at the moment. I also saw a major disappearance in the way Joey was beginning to avoid contact with him. She wouldn’t talk to him in the mornings or allow him to talk to her. She would cry and hide. Part of this was fear of being in trouble, but to Ryan’s credit, his voice is very deep and has a stern quality to it, and Joey has always had fragile feelings. So that has only exacerbated things...

Anyway, I saw real effort in Ryan to be nice yesterday and to be more aware of Joey’s little feelings. And this morning, she jetted for him first thing, shouting, "Daddy, daddy!" He seemed happy to be spoken to in the morning. Also part of the problem was that when Joey was mean in the mornings, Ryan would be mean in the mornings (not on purpose I think), and generally in a bad mood. I think he must’ve been feeling rejected. That led to Joey getting and staying in trouble because they were P.O.’d and upset, each for different reasons. Anyway, I see effort and improvement today, so we can only watch and see what happens...

For those of you who have been reading this ... Sorry for dropping off the stream. I have been dealing with some personal conflict lately that has really had me down and out. But it is getting better, and with GOD by my side, I will be my chatty self again in no time!

Hey, honey, how's it going? I hope you learn what your mom was looking for! Have fun ... "The Stream" is a beautiful place!

Well, this weekend has officially sucked! I think it's cleared up now, but boy was it a bad weekend! I have been overly emotional for a few weeks, and I've found myself in tears quite often. And you know the bad part? Some of those times, I can't hide it. And I don't know what to tell people when they ask what's wrong. Because when I cry, half the time I don't know why anymore. I'm just generally melancholy. Depressed.

I said just now that I think it may be cleared up, or at least clearing up... because I had a very real realization today. I don't like it, but it remains true... And if anyone relates to this, TELL ME!

THE ISSUE:

Sometimes with Ryan and Joey bickering all the time, I feel like I am in the middle of them and I am being pulled in two different directions. I know what to do if it gets bad, so don't get all indignant for Joey's sake yet. She will NEVER come second, or lose a competition for my affection! But part of my conflict lies in knowing that in her innocence, she loves Ryan as much as I do. She would be heartbroken with about, "Ry-Ry" in the morning. Now, most of you are probably like, "Okay, good. Where's the problem?" Well, here it is.

They are still trying to get a bond between them and they are still trying to just get a rhythm. Part of the problem is me, forgetting that we have only really been together for a little over six months, TOTAL. So that is to be expected. An adjustment period. But I guess I just hoped that since things went so fast and easy between Ryan and me, they would be easy for Ryan and Jo. Things are not easy! I hate it. They hate it. And I just realized it. I pointed it out to Ryan during yet another mild crying jag (I have even cried because I am frustrated with my own crying!), and I saw immediate realization in his chocolate-amber eyes. They are so beautiful, but I felt even worse because after they filled with realization, they filled with hurt.

Here's this guy, only twenty-three years old, and he's taking on a pre-made family full of problems and conflict BECAUSE it is a pre-made family. And yet, he's having a hard time. I'm having a hard time. Joey is having the hardest time. At least we understand. All of this conflict and trouble with a double toddler-sized dose of confusion is probably part of the reason a psycho-demon has lately taken over my angelic toddler. And if she feels like she's competing ... see my trouble?

I never wanted that for her. It was supposed to be wonderful. He was supposed to fall in love with her faster than me. I'd rather be second place. I wanted them to have a rapport, an understanding. I felt that if she had never bonded with Richard as her dad, and if this was THE guy, then wouldn't they just know each other the way Jo and I had known each other? NO, NO, NO! Naive? Yep.

Okay, who’s out there going, "Okay, time to wake up and smell the roses retard!" I would be totally thinking that if I was reading this. But now I know. I know the conflicted feelings of trying to make a family blend and work. And the fear of a mother ... Ryan and I have talked about having another child. Not now, and now anytime soon (I always wanted my kids far apart, and Ry and his siblings are very far apart), but someday. And he’s going to have this natural love for that baby. I don’t want Joey to be the less loved, the less favorite. But is that realistic? Maybe not, maybe so. I’m not sure. But I can hope...

Right?

I am feeling a little less frantic and upset now, because it is very much off my chest (for now). I talked it out with Ryan, and although he felt bad, he understood my feelings. I think. And I have some awesome worship blaring at me to remind me that GOD DOES hear my heart. He hears my struggles and wants me to learn. To learn to be more patient and loving myself. To be more open-minded, and more apart from both Ryan and Joey. I need to learn that they will naturally bond if I am not playing peacemaker. Pick your battles, right? So if it isn’t me REALLY standing up for Joey with Ryan, or explaining things to Joey FOR Ryan (he forgets that he should), then I’m going to try to just let them do their thing. I think that if I am not trying so hard to help it happen, it just will. So now I feel better. GOD has heard me, and taught me, and guided me. HE IS there for me. HE WILL love me tomorrow and the next day. Forever. So how bad can any of this temporary stuff be anyway?

Today, through reading someone else's blog, I was introduced to a new web site called sparkpeople.com. It is a weight-loss assistance site. It is free to sign up, and the basic concept is that you are making yourself accountable to yourself.

You report on what you eat, drink, and do for exercise. It seems great so far, and I am excited about having a new way to keep track of me. They help you to set goals and stuff like that, they have recipes, and they also calculate calorie goals and calorie intake for you. Oh, and calories burned. you type in your exercise type in their search, choose which you did, and they do the rest!

It's off to a good start, and I will be updating about that here also, for those who want to know or need the inspiration to GET MOVING!