The Doodlebops. Heard of them?

I have. That's my daughter's favorite show... They are a musical "family" who sing songs that are meant to teach children through music. You know, they can teach more than just our children. One of their songs is about when you are angry or feeling blue. They say "all you gotta do is count to ten." Wow. Remember hearing that? Count to ten isn't the only one either. Who remembers "take ten deep breaths?" When you grow up, you forget this little thing: IT WORKS!

It may not solve your problem or pay your mortgage, but it does give you time to catch yourself before a meltdown and try to get some perspective. So for those of you out there with children who suck away your patience like a hundred leeches suck away your blood, "All you gotta do is count to ten."

I have been suffering lately from a lack of patience and no lack of totally unexplained anger. Or PMS, who knows? But anyway, I guess I have forgotten about that whole count to ten thing. They played that song on the show we saw today, and it was kind of a little reminder. So I'm going to really try to remember the technique and not let it slip my mind the way it did when I was little.

Everyone else out there who's P.O.'d? Count to ten. If it doesn't make you less mad, you'll at least laugh at yourself for trying something you learned when you were six, right?

Lately, my mood is never in one place for very long, but today I am happy, and I'm glad to be happy. I woke up this morning to three sweet red carnations. My favorite flower is the carnation... I even tried to grow dwarf carnations at my house once, but alas, I do not have the midas touch.

Today was the first time I'd had a boyfriend give me carnations. You know, the bad part of that is this: I've never had a boyfriend who didn't know that I hate roses. They are beautiful and I love them in nature, but nothing gets my goat like roses in a vase.

Come on men, THINK! Just because roses are the common gift doesn't mean they are the best. A tie on father's day is the common gift right? How many of you actually wake up on father's day and say to yourselves, "Oooh, I hope I get a tie!" Would it kill you to have original thought, and actually buy something that the guy beside you isn't buying?

So, Ryan, if you are still reading this from time to time ... THANK YOU! It really means a lot to me to know that when I talk to you about things that I like or don't like, you are LISTENING! Wow, who would've thunk it? I love you, too, babe.

To everyone else out there, Happy Valentines Day. If you have someone to hold, tell them what they mean to you. And if you don't ... well... ... Okay, tell me about it. And I'll stroke your egos.

For my secret pal who was a little concerned ... Don't worry, honey. I'm gonna be okay. It was just about saying, "GOD, help me. I need you."

I ran into my brother-in-law in Wal-Mart today. It was a great day, just me Joey and her Dad. (Ryan, for those of you who are confused about my issues.) And there walking RIGHT AT US, was Terry. We used to get along really well, and we'd talk back and forth all the time. Richard hated it... We loved it.

But that's all over now. He's Richard's brother, and that family sticks together. Like two boards coated in Liquid Nails! So I'm even more out of the loop than I ever was. And I don't mind that, but I'm still afraid that even though Richard ignores my daughter... what if they see her as one of them? I know I'm probably a sad paranoid head-case, but when Terry picked Joey up out of the cart and was snuggling and tickling her, I kept seeing in my head :

Terry is over seven feet tall ... Literally ... So he's talking to my girl and behind my back, I've got a death grip on Ryan's jeans, because I'm freaking out and having him there makes me feel safer. But all of a sudden .... HE TUCKS HER UNDER HIS ARM LIKE A FOOTBALL! A damn football. And he turns ... AND RUNS!!!!

That was the extent of it, because then I broke in on myself and said, "Okay Retard, that cannot happen. Wal-mart is crowded so he'd never get out of here. GOD is on your side. And Ryan's got your back. So knock it off."

But still. I hate that, when my head gets out of control and Horrible things happen. Like my stairs outside the apartment... they have these huge gaps between them, and I'm always terrified that Joey's going to slip between the cracks and that's a long fall! Does anyone out there do that too, or should I see a therapist? Hmmm. Maybe I should see my perma-therapist:

O Holy One, today I want to tell you how grateful I am for all of the blessings in my life. Thank you for keeping Joey strong and healthy. Thank you for the way she is, beautiful, cheerful, and such a bright light for my days. Thank you for shining blue eyes, bouncy blond curls, and quick little chubby legs. Thank you for ensuring her safety, and for protecting her. And me. Thank you so much Father. You know all the things that have happened in the past fifteen months, and all of the fears I've carried in my heart. Thank you for not letting me carry them alone. You alone are the ONE who has always been there for me, and even when I abandoned you, you didn't leave my side. You merely waited for me to learn and to return to you. And it was a happy return. And GOD, thank you for Ryan. I know that sometimes I come to you and say he's not the best, but you know ... I'm not either. He's good. I love you for him. I thank you for him, and everyday I am more grateful for the blessing that he has been to my life, and for the wonder he has been for Joey. Thank you for my father here on earth. He has always been a guide to me, and he hasn't ever led me to the wrong place. He's been the best I could want, and I never envied anyone else their fathers. Thanks for my mom... we always had a hard time, but she's really been there for me this year when I needed someone. I am so grateful to you for all the things and people that you have graciously given me. Thank you, my Father, for Tamara, she is the friend I have been needing. And BlackNapalm, always a laugh and someone so sweet to talk to. Both of them I lift into your hands and for them I ask your blessings. Thank you GOD, for never leaving me, even when I deserved it...

Ahhhh. I feel sooo much better now.

Father, today I come to you in need, and in sorrow. You are so worthy of praise at this time, and I know that I can count on you. I found myself singing praise to you in my head last night as the tears rolled down my face, Lord, and I needed you. I called on you and placed my trust in you, and GOD, I longed to be in your church with your people.

Lord, you know my heart and it's secrets, for I am continually trying to confess them to you. But there is one huge and very real fear that I have not come to you with. But today I come to you and confess I need your hands upon my soul. You know Lord, how much I love the baby that you have sent to me. You know how much, as her mother, I worry about her health and safety. You were a parent yourself, and you are a parent to all your children. You, as a father, would never do to your children the things that Richard has done to Joey, you would never neglect or abandon your children. But Lord, I believe she is his tool to get to me. And I'm afraid for her.

In this, I need your guidance, and I need the peace and safe feeling that only you can give me. Please GOD, help me to trust in you, that you would hold my little girl in your hands, and protect her from sadness, fear, and danger. And protect me also from the sadness I would surely be full of without her in my life. I can't imagine a life where she doesn't wake me up in the morning. One where she isn't always shouting for something or some form of attention. A life that doesn't include tucking her in at night with kisses and your love.

Father, I thank you with all of my being for the ways that you have blessed me, and this morning when I was overcome with my fear, all I could think of as Ryan held me and told me he loves me and that he would be there for me, I kept thinking, "Thank you GOD for sending this man to hold me and remind me that you love me." I got up and went to look at Joey, just to see her in her bed, and I kept thinking, "I love it that you've sent me someone to hold me when I am afraid, but I need YOU to hold me, Father. I need you to stroke my hair and promise that it will be okay."  

O Holy One, today I place ALL my trust in you. And I thank you, just for being there. Father GOD, I love you.

Thank you, Lord for using me. I have begged to see a sign from you that would show that you really did need me, and that you could use me for your plan. I have seen such good works lately in my life that I could never doubt you. I have seen so many situations resolve themselves in my life, Lord, and I have learned so much from you. I thank you Father, for putting me to use for you. Thank you, also for sending me someone to work with and learn with. Someone I can help to come to you, and learn more about you myself in the process. Thank you for giving me the words to say to her, and I ask that you hold her in your capable hands. Also, Father, help me to continue to know what to say, so that I can give her your message. ....

...

My father, I am at a loss for words in the presence of your vast greatness. But I thank you, and Lord, I pray that my Lifesong sings to you. I want to sign your name to the end of this day knowing that my heart was true, knowing that I did what you would want me to do, and that I said what you would have me to say. I hope that you can be proud of your daughter today, and be full of the joy that I am full of because of you. In Jesus name, AMEN.

For those to whom that last bit was weird, find www.Castingcrowns.com . I think they have it playing on their website. The song is called Lifesong. (Duh.)