I walked into the bathroom for the fiftieth time this hour, and there it was printed on my little hand towel that I use to get the crap off my hands when I deep-condition my hair: Home is where the heart is.

It made me realize just how far I have come in the last few years. Even when I was with Richard, I would always be looking for something to do that would get me away from our house. I was never there, and I couldn't have hated a place more. And I know that it wasn't just the place, because we lived in several places during our relationship, and I hated them all.

My home, from the first day that I went there, right up until Joey and I left my husband and moved in where we are now, was my brother's house. I never told him that, it's too deep for us, but it's true. That house is full to bursting with memories! Fights, yes, but love. LOVE. The house is full of it. My brother is married and has two daughters (brats all the way, but pretty. At least they've got something...) and his house is full of the clutter that comes with a charming pack-rat wife.

She probably still has stuff there that was made in 1659 and she'd have no idea where it came from. It doesn't matter anyway, that's not the point.

You know when you walk into a place and you can just feel the life that is there? The energy? That's how their house is. I was always there. Even when I was still in high school, I would leave my mom at home and go spend the weekends at my big brother's house, and hang out the whole time with Becky (his wife). We always had a blast, and she's one of my best friends. She's my workout partner. So you know she's a close friend - I let her hold me accountable for workouts and what the scale says ("Get OFF!"). I love her and have rarely thought of her as my "sister-in-law". She's my sister and that's that.

But her house was always my Home. But as I waited for my daughter to go pee, I thought about my apartment where we live. It's small, and there are numerous complaints, but it's my home, now. It's where I was first alone, because I went straight from home to being with Richard. It's where I met myself if that makes any sense... It's where I'm getting to know GOD. My bedroom is the one in which I said: "GOD, I love you. I have messed up my whole life, and I need you. I trust in you. And I thank you for sending your Son to die on the cross for me. I am truly blessed, and I love you because you loved me first, and because I can rest assured that you will love me always and no matter what happens. Please, come in and fill me up with the light that only you can give me. Please come in and lead me, guide me, mold me, walk beside me. I'm placing my life tonight into the Potter's Hand, Lord, into your hands. I know that you are more than able, and more than worthy, so Lord, tonight I give myself to you. Come, Father, and fill my life with your light and your ways. Come and teach me to follow you and to be faithful as your Son was, even in the face of his suffering.  Thank you, Lord. AMEN."

And everyday since then, I have thanked GOD for finally giving me my own "Home." And as sucky as it is sometimes, I know I'll be crying when I leave the memories housed in my home.

So today he turned twenty-three. He's not so thrilled; he spent the whole week talking about how "old" he's getting. I think that he was just making jokes, but he didn't think the joke was too funny today. Joey's birthday just passed, and she's two now. So she kept pointing at his cake (his mom thought we needed one - even when your baby's grow up, you're still mom) and saying "two," while holding up her one finger. It's so cute.

Well, I was like, "No baby, he's not two. He's twenty-three." But I knew she wouldn't be able to get that out, so I told her to just say, "Old." She did!

Ryan was not amused, and he swears that there will be revenge! Alas, my birthday is in two weeks, and I will be twenty-two. The difference? Twenty-two isn't old. I think that you are as old as you make yourself. If you're like, "Man, I'm old," you could be five and I'd be like, "Yep."

But just the same, you could be seventy-eight and throw on sweats to go to the gym, and I wouldn't bat an eye. That would be a young seventy-eight year old who really takes care of himself. But it only goes so far... Once you're ninety or a hundred ... there's no more hiding it. You're old. Your body's probably had it. But if you're still kickin' more power to ya.

Anyway, the impression that I left Ryan's mom's house with isn't even really about Ryan. We had a good day, but it was his mom who really got to me today. Ever since Ryan and I got together, she has been really supportive of us, and she loves Joey to death. She and her husband have sort of 'adopted' her. Whenever we leave their house, they hug her and tell her they "love her already." Leslie makes grandparent comments... After everyone had a little cake, Joey was a wreck, but I eat really slow, so I think I wasn't done yet or something.

Well, Matt (Ryan's stepdad) took Joey in the kitchen and was washing her hands and face, and Leslie was like, "Awww. You're such a good grandpa." She calls herself, "Grandma Leslie"! And they bought me and Joey multiple gifts for Christmas and they are always doing little things for Joey. It's weird. I LOVE it!

With Richard, I could feel how much his family hated me. They were never openly mean to me, but no one ever had anything to say to me, and whenever I was at their house, they... I don't know, I could just feel that I wasn't meant to be there. They never really even accepted Joey. I remember one time Richard's dad came over after Joey was born. Richard was at work, and Donnie wouldn't even put his cigarette down to come in and see his grand-daughter! But Leslie seems to like me pretty well... She wants to go into business with me...

I can see these will not be the typical in-laws, if we get there. I think I love that too.

Thank you Lord, for the people you have filled my life with. I have had so many rough times, and I am so grateful for the good times that help me get through. I love you, Father. AMEN.

I subscribe to a daily e-mail of a bible devotion (several, actually) to help me teach myself what GOD expects from me. I want to be able to read the bible and interpret the word in an accurate manner, but as I am new to this, when I read my bible, it seems only a collection of stories. I am in the Old Testament because my church pastor has said that there are many forgotten lessons there, and he is even teaching a weekly class that "walks" you book by book through the bible.

I confess, I wish that I was that good at reading a story and not only understanding the story. I want to also understand the concepts, the lessons that GOD meant for me when he had those words put to paper. I regularly fall behind on my devotionals, because I subscribe to no less than four. Daily. One is usually only glance-worthy, as it is more quirky advice than it is lesson. So I always read and delete.

But the others... each one usually holds a profound lesson that I would want to read and study. The one I got yesterday that I actually read today , was about the 73rd Psalm, and the man who wrote it talked about how he'd gotten a "raw deal", and GOD had let it happen.

He'd gone home angry and asking GOD, "Why have you allowed this to happen to me?" The writer thought, "When I get home I will open my bible, and read four Psalms, because that is where I was anyway. And GOD, you've got those four Psalms with which to convince me that I should stand by you after you have allowed me to get this raw deal. Because if this is what I get for making sacrifices in my life for you, then this is not worth it."

The guy went home and he reached the 73rd Psalm as GOD's third "chance." The passage was written by someone who felt he'd gotten a "raw deal" from GOD!!!! The writer of the psalm spoke of the injustice on his life, and as he also gave god a second chance, he began to realize that just because you get a raw deal right now doesn't mean GOD has abandoned you. Your raw deal will last for a minute in the face of GOD's eternity. And eternity is what you get for sticking with GOD through the raw deals.

I thought, "Is any raw deal worth giving up the eternity that GOD had begged me to accept? Nope." In spite of many deals (good and "raw") in my life, I am beginning to understand that it is not so much the "now" that matters to me, but what does matter is the proverbial "big picture." And in spite of the pixels made up of "raw deals", the big picture only looks good to me when GOD is in it beside me.

GOD? Thank you for being here to teach me what I need to know. Thank you. I love you and you are so worthy of praise today and every day. Amen, and again, AMEN!

Now I am finally caught up with all the blogs that I wanted to read! So now I only need to read (obviously) when there is new stuff. But now I find myself with a dilemma ... I'm bored.

And I can only blog so much about today, because my life is boring!!!! BORING! I went to the Casting Crowns (my fave. band) website today to torture myself... they are going to be in Knoxville (my town is adjacent) this month ... on my birthday. But guess who doesn't have the money? Uh-huh. You got that one. ME.

Today was a little better ... In the beginning. The potty went well, everything was great. We've leveled off, but that's OK. GOD is here, and that makes it great again.