I keep feeling like something is up. And this was before the weird things that I found online the other day. Ryan and I seem to be growing apart... why?

I hope that my wondering why isn't me ignoring GOD. But lately we are not so much together as we are co-existing. When he comes home from work, we say all that we might have to say within thirty minutes usually, then we fall into silence. Like room-mates.. But don't get me wrong, it isn't one of those sucky uncomfortable silences, but it's there.

And Joey is seeming to fall to the wayside with him. I have trouble myself sometimes, trying to think of things to say to a two-year-old who says virtually nothing back, so I can kinda see it as excused. But he never has anything to say. No big hug hello, no, "Hi baby!" When he comes in, she's all, "Daddy, daddy!" And he says, "What baby?" No excitement... I hope I'm not setting my little girl up to get hurt.

I don't know if maybe he's just still weird with her or what (they really don't see each other that much, and he wasn't that used to kids to begin with), but it's starting to make me wonder. Why talk about adoption (his idea, I would never have asked for that) and daddy-hood if you are not really in it? What -- brownie points? Well, that's pointless. Those points go easier than they come, they are not worth lying for. Father, guide my heart...

And today, he got home from work around five-thirty, but he didn't one time reach out to hug or kiss me until after seven-thirty. And he reached to hold my hand in the car. Woo-hoo. It felt like an afterthought. Like he reached for it just because it was there.

I remember the first time he held my hand. I know this is the geekiest thing, but bear with me. I actually like physical contact that is not of a sexual nature, so I miss it. Anyway, we were at my friend's house (not friends anymore -- long story...) and sitting together on her couch. His arm was laying in between us and when I dropped my arm on his accidentally , he FINALLY held onto me. After like a week or two. What happened to that guy?!? The one who wanted to just touch me in that tiny way? To feel a connection to me in such a small way, and yet to want it so bad he was almost afraid to go for it?

Why is it that after you let your guy get that far with you, that's the only time he will reach for you. He used to hold onto me all the time. Watching a movie? His arm around my shoulders. Driving? Hands being locked was a given! First sight of each other after a long day? Don't expect that embrace to end before next week!!

But now... Watching that same movie? Hmph, who has time for movies? Driving? Hand-holding is like the craps table -- sometimes you're lucky. First sight of each other after all day? Nothing. Just, "How was your day?" What HAPPENED?

I don't even know what to say... At the gym the other day I said, "How come we have nothing to say anymore?" He said, "Well, it just seems like we don't have time." I find that so sad, because it's untrue. We have tons of time. He works from eight to six Monday to Friday. I don't work, I'm at home with my daughter. So what about ALL THAT TIME? That's when we're busy not being together.

Again I ask, WHAT HAPPENED? I don't know. I wait for him to reach out to me and talk to me. I have begun to dread going to bed with him at night. Because when we are in our room, in our bed, then he will turn to me without fail. I even run from his kisses now, because they are never just kisses. You know that song that says "It's in his kiss"? Well, whoever sings that wasn't kidding. You can tell what they want when they kiss you if you're paying attention. But why only then? Am I getting old? Is the new worn off? Is my conversation less stimulating?

He used to tell me he loved my brains, he loved it that he could use those infamous twenty-dollar words, and *gasp, I understood him. I could be getting dumber and dumber before his eyes, and he wouldn't even notice! Because he has nothing to say to me anymore.

We never really talked about our pasts, but we always talked about our futures. What we wanted... could we blend our futures? No problem, we seemed to want so many of the same things. But wants change as people change. We are in our early twenties, we still have a lot of mental/emotional growing to do. Why are we choosing to do it apart? No wonder the dating scene is crowded and divorce rates are so high... Everyone is too busy to maintain the relationship they have, and then they go,"Hey, what happened? I thought we were doing good." Compared to what? Ted and Peggy Bundy? Uh-huh. I don't think so... Well, I guess I've droned on enough, and it's ten where I am. I still need a shower; the Joey-alarm goes off at seven...

Thank you, Awesome Father, for all that you have blessed me with! Thank you for helping me to find the patience to stick it out with my daughter. And the potty. When Joey and I are successful in our efforts, we will have only You to thank, for you have been my only great source of help and strength. I know that You alone are the one that I can always turn to, The One always there for me to depend on.

I also thank you today for the conversation between Ryan and I last night. I feel that I made myself vulnerable to him last night in our talks, but I also feel that it was needed to clarify what I expect from him and what I will accept from him. I am stretching already in being with one who does not walk always beside you, but I will at least demand the treatment that I know you would want for me because I know you love me and want to see happiness in your children.

Again, I give this relationship into your mighty hands, LORD, and both of us apart as people. I believe that I already carry your love and blessing, but please, LORD, extend the same to Ryan. Look out for him, and bless him also. Allow him happiness and thankfulness. Draw him near to you, Father, that he might experience the joy that is your Holy Son.

Hold my daughter, O Holy One, in your strength. Help me as she grows to guide her closer to you in such a way that she will not turn her back and abandon you as I did for so long.

And LORD, today I lift my grandmother into your able arms. Hold her, surround her and keep her from fear. Allow your Light to fill her and ease her suffering. She will see the doctor again tomorrow, LORD, protect her and hold her. Cradle her in the way that only you can. Your Will Be Done. If it is her time to be called home to you, LORD make her passing swift and easy. And if I can ask one selfish request, give me the chance to say, "Goodbye," and "I love you." Give me courage and strength of heart to say, "Thank you," for all she has done for me in my life.

I ask also, a blessing on those in need whom I have not mentioned here, and those I did not know to ask for. Continued thanks for showing me the way to "Laurel," and my Father, I ask a blessing on her life. Allow her to continue to draw her strength and long-awaited peace of mind from you, LORD She needs you, be with her...

All these things I ask in the righteous and precious name of your Son, the sacrificial lamb who has given his all and paid the ultimate price for those who are so unworthy of his blood. That Most High Name, the name of Jesus. Amen.

I wasn't online as much as usual today. Partly because I am finally getting caught up with this blog that I've been reading, and partly because I just didn't feel like it today. Mostly?

Mostly because of Joey. We had a good potty day today, so I feel a little less impotent in my potty teaching. She's beginning to get the hang of it, YAY! So we got along a little better today because I am less frustrated and she is less stressed as the potty becomes more of a habit.

So I just spent the better part of an hour helping her color. Helping because Ryan really thought she needed some markers for her birthday, and I'm not dumb enough to give them to her when she wants them and walk away. So she colored and we chatted in toddler-ese for a while. Then, with the sweet face and smile that gets her anything she wants in our house, she says, "bu-bu?" which means "bubbles." So I pull out the bubbles to give my carpet a hearty soap soaking.

I love it when we are happy with each other and she is so full of joy. Bubbles. She dances and spins and shouts and giggles. I do too. Except for the dancing and spinning. You guys just don't want the image in your heads. But I did giggle with her. I must say, for those of you who do not know... The joy of a child is contagious, and their giggles are more catching than chicken pox.

It's been a good day. Let us hope that it continues...

Well, I'm still upset, but when Ryan got home from work, I knew we'd fight if I stayed home, so I left. I packed Joey up and we went to the gym for a couple of hours. Ryan and I talked though, we text messaged back and forth the whole time.

He apologized, but that wasn't really what I wanted ... I just ... now that I have the first doubts I feel like the trust is scarred. Tarnished, if you'll let me take it that far. I feel like I've lost my security. It isn't something that lasts forever, but it's just harder to earn that trust again.

I just feel like it would be easier now for me to get worried about stuff, because I have been hurt like that before. So it was already something that was in my head, but now it's going to be there. Have I mentioned how Ryan and I met? ONLINE!!!!!

I was online on my cell phone looking for games just because I was that bored. I found a website that had a cheesy version of "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" But in order to play, I had to make a profile. I kept it light, because I knew others would be able to see it, and I wasn't really looking for anything at the time (still bruised from the failed marraige that I'm still not fully out of yet), but this guy started talking to me. Ryan started talking to me. I'm friendly, so I talked back, and found out that he was moving to TN (where I am) from FL (where I'm from). We hit it off. We chatted, we flirted, he moved, we met.

Now we live together (not so Godly, I know), and I love him. He loves me? Sure I'll buy that ... everyone deserves a second chance. But after Richard broke my heart into a billion pieces about a billion times, all he gets is the second chance. That's it. I love him, but I have to love me more. For my daughter's sake.

So I am plenty scared now, but I think it will be okay. He is usually a pretty considerate guy. So I don't know, maybe he had an idiot moment, or a couple of them. But that's it for now. I won't make excuses for him, because I think there are no excuses for what he did. I believe that I had every right to be offended and indignant. But I also believe in my heart that nothing happened. So I will let it go, and deal with my lingering emotions...

I'm starting to see some feedback from readers, and it feels really good to know I am inspiring people to think a little. To all you who read and comment, and those who read silently... Thanks!