On Sunday morning we packed everything up and loaded most of it into the car. All that was left to pack and load were our clothes for the day, our shower stuff, and our food stuff. All of Jo's toys and our clothes were packed and loaded into the car, along with all the things we somehow ended up coming home with ...

We readied our clothes, and donned our swimsuits again ... this time for our one short trip to the beach. Ryan and I grew up going to the beach and both of us wished we could be there for longer, but we also had afternoon plans to see Ryan's dad, stepmom, and little sister Lindsay, followed by dinner plans with my grandmother, brother and his family, little brother, and my grandma's friend Jenny. She wanted to show off Joey to her friend ...

Anyway, Rocky and his wife and kids met up with us at the hotel around eight or so, and they said that my father had decided to go. The downfall? It wasn't just him and my little brother that showed up at the hotel. They had a ... hitch-hiker. Guess who? "BETSY." So there's another day down. And for another thing to have on my mind, I noticed that my bleeding had stopped ... but couldn't decide if I thought that was a good thing or not. But we went and stayed for a bit. Joey liked the beach, but she mostly just played in the sand. She tried the water once, but a little tiny wave came up and touched her feet and it scared her. She turned to run away from the next one that was coming, but it hit her legs and she fell. That was the end of the water for her ... LOL. But she had fun, and so did we, for the most part. I looked toward Ryan and my dad at some point and they were walking off together to toss a football. I think that everyone was nice to him and that they were polite, but I know that he didn't get the same easy acceptance from them, and I hate that. I don't want him to feel with my family the way I felt with Richard's family. But they live far away, and we are with Ryan's family for the most part at home in TN. I think I like it that way.

After about an hour or so, we had to go to head back to the hotel and shower. We had to get dressed to head to Ryan's dad's house for the lunch that we'd planned. I told everyone bye and that we had to go, and I told my dad that since the day was all planned out, I probably wouldn't see him again before we left, but that I'd call and let him know both when we left FL and when we arrived back in TN. He didn't seem that upset about it, and honestly, I wasn't either. I remember the last time I was in FL and had to say goodbye to my father. I cried all the way from Deland to Gainesville! This time? I was happy to leave, and leaving felt good. It felt right. SO we got back to the hotel, and of course by then Joey was sleeping, and we didn't want to wake her and make her crabby for the rest of the day, so Ryan went into the hotel to shower and I sat with Jo. When he came out, I went in, and by the time I was out of the shower, Ryan had most of the stuff loaded into the car, and Joey was awake. I popped her into the tub to wash off all the sand and salt and sunscreen. By the time she was sone and we were dressed, Ryan had everything else ready to go. So Joey waved goodbye to that part of her adventure, and we headed out to Ryan's dad's house.

Meeting Ryan's stepmom and little sister was tense for me, because I feel very strange in new places full of new people. Ryan, on the other hand, just wanted to relax with his dad, so I kinda had to just "get over it". But Laura (the stepmom) and I ended up talking while Lindsay (Ryan's lil 1/2 sister) and Joey played together. Lindsay is five, so it was nice to see Joey with someone to play with that didn't just boss and push her around (like my nieces, though they are 8 and 5. They aren't exactly great kids.) I was able to relax, and Laura and I had a nice talk while Chris and Ryan cooked lunch on the grill. The lunch was great and we hung out a little more afterward and left around five to head to my grandmother's house.

We got there to find the house quiet and tense ... it always is when my brother and his family stay at my grandmother's house. They are a messy family, and they are loud. The kids are obnoxious, even for me to handle and I am a fairly patient person. I can only imagine my grandmother's frustration at having her home taken over for ten days like that. She is in her seventies, for god's sake and she is no longer young. She is cranky, and she has a bad heart, and well ... she's old. She was happy to see them go, and they ended up leaving early ... but after dinner. Can't pass up a free dinner right?

The "dinner" was hilarious. My grandmother was already annoyed because she wanted to go somewhere fancy and nice, but we ended up going to a buffet because she is too embarrassed to take my brother's kids anywhere else. They are ridiculous when eating ... the table on their end was covered in half-eaten plates of food they had asked for and didn't eat. My sister-in-law, while sweet and loving, isn't the best example of table manners either, so she sat there with a chicken breast on a fork ... taking bites instead of cutting them. My grandmother's friend who'd tagged along was astonished at the behavior differences at that table that night. One end of the table was Rocky, Becky (his wife) and their kids, and my brother Matthew. The other end was Me, Ryan and Joey, my grandmother, and her friend. It was like two different groups ... one heathenish, and the other neat, clean and tidy. Amazing the differences that can be found in just one family, isn't it? Anyhow, we survived dinner, and while my brother's family headed out to drop Matt off with his mom ("Betsy"), and then they planned to leave.

Ryan and I headed back to my grandmother's for a bit, to give her some time to hang out with Joey without Brittany and Kaitlyn acting like hoodlums in the background. We were there for a little bit, but soon Joey started to get sleepy, and so did Ryan and I. We knew we'd be switching out for driving more often than we though ... we were both exhausted. We said our goodbyes, and headed out for home.

Saturday we had to meet up at "Betsy's" house to follow her to the ceremony for my father's graduation. Ryan and I made sure that we got there at the last minute so that we wouldn't get invited in. I would have had to be rude then and as much as I wanted to ... that isn't me. So we got there at the last second, and my brother and his wife and kids were already there. We all packed up and left with Ryan, me, Joey, Brittany (the oldest most rotten neice), and my younger brother Matt in my car. Everyone else rode in "Betsy's" car, and that was fine. The plan was that after that, it would just be Ryan, Joey and I, on the way to his grandarents' house.

The ceremony was nice, and we got lots of pictures, then we spent a few minutes in the front of the church talking to my dad. It was nice, but we left quickly because with "Betsy" there I was really uncomfortable. I am proud of my dad, but it really brought down everyone's moods to have her there.

After we left, we headed a few blocks around the corner to see Ryan's paternal grandparents. They, like Ryan's parents and maternal grandparents, are wonderful people and they made Joey and I feel very welcome and accepted in their beautiful home. Ryan's grandfather is a great guy, smart and well-spoken. He is amazingly fit for his age, and I can only hope that he was another glimpse into the future. He is in his early seventies and is still very active, he works at an awesome job, and he travels the world with his sweet wife. He also runs ... five miles a day! He was a marathon runner in his day.

I spent quite a bit of the time we were there sitting outside on the back porch with Ryan's grandmother. We talked some while Joey explored the area around their pool, and she seemed to be very kind and caring. She had much to say to me, and listened attentively while I talked to her. I couldn't get over the feeling of NORMAL that came over me as I sat there. It hits me every time I am with members of Ryan's family, this feeling of being regular. Normal. Part of a family, a real one where people actually like each other's company and hang out together on other occasions besides holidays. It is a great feeling, and I can't seem to get enough of it.

Despite the comfort of being there, we only stayed at Ryan's grandparents for a few hours and then we had to get going ... we were hungry for lunch, Joey needed a nap and was also hungry, and we had plans to get back to Deland to hang out with my dad and my brother's family again for the evening. As Ryan and I geared up to leave, he mentioned us going out to lunch instead of waiting until we got back to the hotel, and I knew it would be a good idea for Joey, even though we could barely afford it. I said, "Yeah, we can go grab a couple of cheap burgers to eat and then head back," and Ryan's grandpa gave us money and said to have lunch on him. Once we got to where we were eating, and we sat in the booth to eat, Ryan was grateful for the gesture, but he said that that must've been the biggest bill his grandfather had in the house at the time. Ryan said that his grandfather was always giving him money because he never asks for it, and that that twenty was the smallest bill that he's ever seen in his grandfather's hand! Cool.

Anyways, it was a great burger, and a sweet gesture. They, like the rest of Ryan's family ... are fabulous.

It turned out that we could've stayed a little longer though, because when we got back to Deland and called my dad to find out when they could meet up with us, they were all sitting down to a movie at "Betsy's" house, and I'd rather choke to death on a cactus than hang out at her house, so we opted out of that in favor of a drive together down memory lane.

First we drove through Deltona, where Ryan grew up, and he showed me the house he grew up in, which is where his father still lives. We'd made plans to go there on Sunday, so we'll come back to that. Anyway, he also showed me the house that his mom just sold when she moved up here, and some other houses that he's hung out in with various friends. Obviously, each house had a story or two, so it was a good ride, and then it was my turn.

We drove down Pratt Street, where my best friend had lived. I spent so much time in that house, hanging out, or just waiting with Jessica to leave for the next place to hit. My time there was a little more after she got her first car though ... we were always there "just for a second." But for some reason and just like always, I had to carefully pick the one I thought was it ... and even then i wasn't sure. That was one address that I could never remember ... when I moved up here, I had to keep a letter from her so that when it came time to write her, I'd know where to send it. Silly huh? But that one house always fell from memory, that address never stuck. Funny how the memory works, huh? The house that I'd most want to remember, the one that housed the person who has had so much affect on me and my life, even to this day ... it's the one photo that I never could bring to memory.

We drove past my old friend Amanda's house, but it looked like no one was home, so we didn't stop, and we drove down some other roads as I rehashed some other memories. We drove past houses that I grew up in ... houses that I hung out in ... stores that I liked, the site of my first car wreck when I was little (it was fun), my old boyfriend/friends house ... there would have been more, but I am less familiar with the roads, and around that time my dad called and they were ready to meet up. We had them come to the hotel to swim in the pool, and it ended up being me, Ryan and Joey; My brother Matt, My brother Rocky, and his wife and two daughters. My father didn't come ... I guess once again, "Betsy" won out. I hope he had a good time ... we all did. After the couple hours we spent in the pool, the family headed out and Ryan and I packed up the baby and headed into the room. I popped Jo in the bathtub, and he headed out to pick up a little dinner. Once that was over, Joey was headed to bed and we were bushed. We took turns in the shower and then headed off to bed ourselves.

After the disaster breakfast, we went to check in at our hotel, and that was the least stressful part of the day. We checked in and unloaded the car, and I unpacked everything at least a little bit. I put our shampoos and stuff in the bathroom you know, and unpacked the few grocery things that we'd brought. We had a kitchenette, so we were also planning to stop at Wal Mart that night and pick up some milk for Jo to have in the mornings.

Once all that was done we headed to my grandmother's house (my dad's mom, they are estranged, long story) to hang out there for a while. She wanted to go to the photo place and have some pictures done of Joey and I so my grandmother, Joey and I left to go do that, and Ryan stayed at my grandma's house, getting acquainted with my younger brother over XBox and sodas. The pictures turned out great ... I can't wait till they are back!

My brother and his wife and kids were also down on vacation and they were staying with my grandmother, so while that should have made the visit more pleasant, it made it awful. My brother's kids are 8 and 5. They are so spoiled rotten that almost no one can stand them. My brother and his wife have trouble keeping friends because no one wants to be around the kids on a regular basis and they have trouble finding childcare so that they can can go out, because no one (not even family) will keep the kids. They are very undisciplined, and we will leave it at that.

Anywho, the trip in it's entirety gave Ryan a whole new appreciation for Joey and her innocence ... but the visit to Jeanne's house (that's my grandmother) really changed things for the better between Ryan and Jo. He spent the whole weekend after that one visit telling Joey how great she was and what a good girl ... he told her several times how proud he is to call her his daughter. But it also brought out some of the reasoning behind him being so strict and overbearing. He is just terrified that she will turn out like that ... spoiled and unpleasant. Or like my older niece, sometimes downright mean and hateful. I told him, "You can't punish her in advance." He seems to agree and things have been less stressful lately as far as Ryan and Joey. The visit with the family at my grandmother's house was so loud and hectic that we were only able to stay for a little while before both Ryan and I had major headaches and we were glad to head back to the hotel, where we thought it would be quite a nice change from all the shouting and the TV which HAD to be at a deafening level, forcing us all to shout over it. It was horrible, I don't know how my grandma could stand it.

At some point during the visit I went outside where I'd be able to hear the cell phone, and I called my doctor to find out the results of the ultrasounds that had been done on Thursday afternoon, and they said that the results were inconclusive. That was kind of what we expected though, since the bleeding had been going on for almost a week. They said for me to go in on Monday when we got back to TN to get a blood pregnancy test done. I have a bad history with urine tests coming up negative when they shouldn't, so they wanted to do blood and be sure. So I was still carrying that worry around with me, and Ryan was pretty upset. Much as he loves Joey ... that would be him losing his first child, if I was in fact miscarrying. So that was one thing that we just had to wait for ... and stress over.

When we left my grandmother's it was around seven or eight and we headed to Wal Mart to get some milk and a few other things that we needed, and as we walked into the store, we had our first encounter with the past ... One of my serious ex's was there! I think he recognized me as fast as I recognized him, because when we walked in, he was walking out, but her turned around really fast and went back into the store. As Ryan and Joey and I walked around, getting the things we needed ... there was Jon, around every corner. GOD that was so creepy. I was freaked out and hoping that he wouldn't say anything. There is a lot of potential for a scene there ... he was my second real serious guy, and he was the virginity guy ... and we ended bad because he was a cheater big time. But nothing happened, and we made it out of the store okay. We headed back to the hotel, I put Joey in the bath, and then we went to sleep. We were all so exhausted and had to be up and out the door in the morning by nine ...

As we drove through Ocala, the sun was rising, Joey was waking, and Ryan and I were finally hitting a "second wind." We still felt tired ... exhausted. But we started to wake up a little too. Comprehension dawned as quickly as the morning, and was almost as wonderful for us as the first real sight of our old home after a long stretch away. We reached Deland around seven thirty ... too early to go to the courthouse and straighten out something that Ryan had to do ... Hmmm, what to do to blow some time? I can't remember what we did, honestly, but I do remember that I had to pee so Ryan drove me to a gas station.

The station attendant was a foreigner ... I think you might be able to guess where he may have been from originally ... but I was so tired that he gave me the key to a disgusting restroom and I wasn't offended other than to wrinkle my nose and SO NOT SIT DOWN!!! Yuck. But I was also so tired that when I gave him back the key and he yelled at me for not bringing it sooner, I almost cried. Major emotional overdrive ... and stressed. My dad had mentioned that he'd love to meet up with us for breakfast, and I didn't want to offend him. I also DIDN'T want to go. Why? I knew he'd be bringing his second ex-wife. For some reason he is still allowing her to crawl up his ass whenever she feels like it and make herself comfy. Not to mention the way she used to run around on him all the time and like to have one bf after another ... in front of my fifteen year old brother. Fine example huh? I remember once when my father picked me up from middle school and we went to their house (still married at the time), and as my father walked upstairs I heard him say something angry. A few minutes later we were leaving again after they had a fight. My dad had caught some guy coming out of their bedroom in his underwear, going to get dressed in the bathroom. What a slut.

This woman is a T total Bitch (pardon me, but there are strong emotions here), and she knows how I feel about her so I have no idea first of all why she'd even want to be there, other than the fact that she is so nosy even her own children find her annoying. But although she and my father are divorced, they share a son, so he is in contact with her. Which is great for her, it allows her to keep manipulating him and making him act like a moron. This woman is a huge part of the reason that my dad is in his late forties and finally graduating college. He'd have done it a lot sooner if not for her infinite idiocy and manipulations.

Anyway ....

I put off meeting with my dad for as long as I could, and by the time we actually headed to Debary to meet up with him and that horrible "woman" ... it was around ten or even eleven I think. I tried hard to be pleasant for my father's sake, because even though I find her disgusting and repulsive and many other not-nice words, I love my father. It is the only reason I agreed to go to that breakfast anyway. I'd rather be hungry enough to eat crap on toast than to eat with her ... if not for Dad. So we went. I was so angry, I could feel my neck and head starting to hurt from the tension ... As we pulled into the parking lot and got ready to get out, Ryan said something to me and I looked over at him. I think it was something akin to instructing me on not letting her get between my father and I. Not letting her affect our trip, or our visit with my dad. I don't know what my face looked like as I stared at him in disbelief, but there must have been fire in my eyes or something. He looked at me for a long time not saying anything, and then he kind of sat back. He said, "If you are going to to start swinging in there, let me know so I can get the baby out for you." Then he warned me that we didn't exactly have bail money floating around ... Darn.

So we go into the diner, and sit down. Joey did really well as far as socializing with my dad. He is rather ... "stocky" ... and with a very deep, rumbly voice. I was afraid that she be scared of him. We sat and talked to my father, and it seemed that no one had anything to say to "Betsy". She stared out the window or read the paper as Ryan and I visited with my dad, watching him play across the table with Joey. A few times she spoke to me directly and I would answer, but other than that if she spoke to anyone else I had nothing to say. I wasn't pouting, per se, but I wanted her to feel that I didn't want her there. She lives there ... she spends all her time with my father. I can't have a weekend?

For one I am angry that she made sure she was there, and for two I am angry at my father for being inconsiderate enough to bring her in spite of the things that have happened. I remember when I was eight years old, I woke up one morning and headed out of my room to go pee and to get some breakfast. She threw me into the floor because I was hungry and wanted to eat breakfast, and she wanted me to go back in the bedroom and brush my hair first. A battle of wills. Okay, I'll grant this ... maybe I should have. But for crying out loud I was eight. Did that give her the right to be straddling me in the hallway of our house with her hands in my hair, screaming at me that the last thing I needed to worry about at my size was eating? At the time my father was in the shower ... that's the only reason she was brave enough to pull that stunt. But I guess she didn't realize that we were right in front of the bathroom door. I guess she didn't realize I would scream for him. I guess she didn't think he would come to me. But he did. That time.

That's one of the only times I remember. As I am growing older, I still hate her the way I did as a child. But I am more able understand it now, and maybe someday work my way through it ... or out of it. But I am able to see the blame in others in various situations also. I remember once my dad was going to take me to a Reba concert in Orlando. I was so excited, I couldn't stand it. I don't know if it was another manipulation or if he just wanted to be with her that day or what ... but I remember getting ready to go to the show, so excited. Around ten, twelve years old ... I think. But I was all ready to go, and about half an hour before he was due to pick me up, he called to tell me he was taking "Betsy." I think that was the start of me always coming in second. It's a shame I was never athletic ... I could've had a good career in second place.

Maybe I am just expected to "take it", to "be mature". I can't. Every time I look at her, I see her flying down the hall as my father stood over me, dripping soap suds from the shower on my pajamas. Every time I see her I am reminded that she is the kind of person that needs to be kept away from children or else she will become one. I remember the concert that I didn't get to see. I have still never been to a concert, and there has only been one that I desperately wanted to go to since the Reba show. I hinted ... chatted ... even asked. And didn't make it. I have never had any kind of superiority complex or anything ... but I feel that I am not meant to surround myself with those kinds of people. People like her. I don't want people in my life that make me feel like that. Who would?

This post wasn't supposed to be all about her ... I have never felt that she was worth it. But having written it out ... I will keep it. It's how I feel. And if everyone else wants it to be erased, deleted ... I owe it to myself to give myself that much respect. Enough respect to post it, and finally stop ignoring how I feel, just to satisfy someone else. But I will get my thoughts together, and come back later to post some more on the vacation. It inspired lots of thought, both good and bad. I want it out of my head, so I will be posting a lot for the next few days ...

Man was that a long drive! I drove the first shift, and it wasn't so bad as long as it was just us on the road. But during the points where there were other cars (especially when they were going the other way) and I had to squint in their headlights, I got really sleepy. So I forced myself to make it through Atlanta (we took I-75 from the Knoxville area, all the way down to SR 40 in Ocala, Florida), then I woke up Ryan for his turn so that I could rest. That didn't quite work out either, though. He drove, but he basically made me stay awake and talk to him to keep him awake. He is really bad about sleeping in cars ... he just can't ride in a car for more than an hour without falling asleep. And Joey had a hard ride too. She is usually a belly sleeper, or she will sleep on her side. So every time she'd try to roll over and wouldn't be able to, she'd wake up and we'd have to remind her that she was in the car and that we were on the way to FL. Then she'd be okay for a while and she'd go back to sleep. But she ended up waking up a few times while we were stopped too, and so I'd let her out to go potty and walk around a little. I'd made her wear a pull-up for the drive down, just in case, you know? But I was proud of her when we got there ... she hadn't had one accident.

But anyway, Ryan got us just past the FL border, and I had gotten a little rest, though it wasn't much, nor was it any good, even though I was totally exhausted. Between all the running on Thursday, and all of the NOT sleeping during the drive, I felt like Hell warmed over. I felt like one of the zombies from Night Of The Living Dead. Remember that movie? *arms out to front ... "uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh...."*

So right before the junction to I-10, it was my turn again. Tired but willing, I took the wheel, and drove for a while. By this point both of us were so tired we can't really remember if we switched out again or not. But I don't think we did ... even though I'm pretty sure that somehow Ryan ended up being the one behind the wheel when we got to Deland. I'm not sure how it happened ... But thank GOD we got there okay. I do remember saying to Him, "Father, place your hand upon this car ... help us get there safely." And he did.

The ride through Ocala was great, the sun was beginning to come up at this point, and Joey was waking up for the morning too. So Ryan talked to her as she woke up and kept her somewhat calm, and then he took some pictures (as I drove) of the sunrise. I couldn't get over feeling of being back "home". But at the same time, I missed MY home, Tennessee.