Well, on Thursday we left for the Florida Trip, and we had lots of packing to do. We had planned to go to bed early on Wednesday night so that we'd be somewhat rested, and then we were going to nap that day so that we could drive all night while Joey would be sleeping. That SO did not work.

For the past week or so, I had been bleeding ... during the WRONG WEEK, and I didn't know why. I'd had a period about two weeks earlier, and so it was very strange for me to be bleeding like that. Then it got worse. I started to have some very mild cramping, and there were clots in the blood. Much too reminicsent of the miscarriage that I'd had before Joey, so I made an appointment to the doctor. But by that time, it had been a week, and it was now Thursday. the day of the trip. Ryan and I had had a little "scare" a month or so ago, so we thought about that right away, and when I got to the doctor's office, I told them about it (they didn't know ... this is a new doctor because the last one was a moron), and they ran a urine pregnancy test. Negative. However, that isn't really all that reliable according to my history. I had several negative tests when I was pregnant with Jo. So they sent me for some ultrasounds to check things out, and they were supposed to call me and tell me what they found before the end of the day because I'd told them that I was going out of town, and they would have wanted to be able to treat me before I left, if they could.

I waited at the house all day for the phone to ring, and while we waited, we packed. I got Joey's things together, got Ryan's and my things together, we decided what money we'd need, and what food we'd need to buy. Then we did a bank transfer to take care of that stuff. By the time I'd been to the doc, and then been to the ultrasound, and then been home to clean the house and pack our stuff, it was almost five. No call from the doc yet, so I called them, and they still hadn't heard. So we left, on the way to my mom's for a little while before we left.

We drove out around 8:00 pm, heading back to our house for some things that had been forgotten. With no phone call. And then ... we headed out for the trip. However, I was armed with the doc office number so that I could call them in the morning when we got there. and settled into the knowledge that if they called my house, I could check it from the hotel for messages.

Well, we are back from the trip, and since it was long and I have lots to say, I am not posting it all together. That would be WAY too long of a post, and I am writer, but I so don't plan to turn this trip into some huge one-piece novel. But I am not against many many chapters. So here goes...

Well, yesterday was mostly a good day. Ryan and I had talked some on the way home from his mom's on Saturday night, and I made it clear that I wasn't happy anymore and that I felt so many negative things that it was really getting hard to bear up under it.

Neglected, neglectful, disrespected, alone ... among others.

Yesterday, Ryan and I got along fairly well, except that I was plainly down ... I just couldn't fake a smile anymore. But he was really sweet to me, and I got a break from Jo too, and I'm sure that helped some. When he went out to get cheese for tonight's dinner (yesterday afternoon), he took Joey with him, and they took their times. It was nice to just enjoy some time for me ... for my own thoughts and just to be with myself. And it was nice that when they came home, they were smiling and laughing together. It indicated she was good and he had a good time with her, which is somewhat rare lately.

But it was nice. We talked some last night (I think he read what I wrote) and hopefully now that he REALLY sees how I have been feeling, and how I haven't been feeling ... maybe something will click ... maybe something will change.

I felt kinda bad though, because he kept apologizing for "making" me feel that way. But I am taking some blame too ... no problem is one-sided. I am not perfect either, and I know that ... but I should still feel important to those who "love" me, right? So how come I haven't?

I asked Ryan last night, "What makes me less appealing to you? What makes my conversation less desirable, less stimulating?" He said there was nothing, and that he still feels that same and all I could think was, "Then why is it all different?"

Here is my tip for the day: If you EVER feel this way in a relationship ... tell your partner how you feel. It will accomplish several things ...

1) You have been honest and open and that is your obligation, unless you are in love with a mindreader.

2) You have (hopefully) asked them to be honest and open with you. Hopefully they will, and if not ... well now you have some things to think about huh?

3) Now you will learn how they feel about you. If you have poured out your heart and your sadness and see not even a token effort to make things better ... well, something isn't right. Some feeling isn't there ... love? Bingo. Respect? Uh-huh. When you love someone, you strive to see them happy, you sacrifice for them, you put so much effort on the table, just to see them happy, to see them proud of you, of being with you. If you are doing this and they aren't, then you are in a one-sided relationship, and they are never happy ones.

Why does it suck so bad to hurt someone and know that you are doing it for the best? I have been really down lately ... almost depressed I guess. The money thing just got really stressful and I felt like I was dealing with it all by myself. I had thought in the beginning of this all that it might even be good for the relationship between Ryan and I.

We had been drifting some lately, not as much to say to each other, not as much peaceful time spent together. We fought more, talked less ... Other things were lessening too, but not because of any lack of effort on his part. But without emotional closeness ... I have no desire for physical closeness.

I wasn't happy. I'm NOT happy. But there is something different about it this time ... I said so. With Richard, I convinced myself that my unhappiness was my own fault. A result of something ... ungratefulness? After all, he worked his little skinny butt off so that I wouldn't have to work at all. Willingly. So I told myself it would be okay, that he must love me if he was willing to do that. That the low points in the relationship ... the emotional and verbal abuse ... they were either my fault, or all in my head. But now? I think that part of what made Richard so willing to do things like that was just his inability to be still. And there is another benefit to his working like that, but here I may be reaching. I'm sure that some of it was just the ego boost he got from people thinking that he was some kind of miracle. A guy that is not even 20 years old and still willing to take on TWO FULL TIME JOBS to support his family? An angel right? A blessing?

Not necessarily.

I am not that low on Ryan yet, but I have cried a lot lately, and part of my biggest downer was that I did it alone. On Friday we were at my mom's and I just broke down. My mom asked me what was wrong, but Ryan for the most part just stood off to the side and waited for it to be over. Then yesterday, I was at it again ... just stressed, you know ...

Well, I stood sobbing in the kitchen for almost twenty minutes. ALONE. When I finally got it together and left the kitchen, Ryan was in the living room, in a chair. SLEEPING!!!! Yep ... love you too babe. I can't even look at him for long periods of time, and I have to avoid looking in his eyes, because it makes me cry. I don't think that it is really because of him though, totally. A lot of the issue is just that I didn't get honest with him about how I felt ... months ago. But then again ...

Yes I did. I tried the book thing which went nowhere. NOWHERE. I did it to reopen the communication lines, to reconnect with him. But I got nowhere, nothing, zilch.

I am struggling to decide how much of this is in my own head because of stress and how much of it is real ... and causing stress. But I do know one thing ... I can't take it anymore. I have talked to Ryan, several times about how I am feeling, and how I am feeling about him. If I get nowhere this time ... then I will be brokenhearted again. But then I will have brokenhearted Joey beside me, because I am not going through that again. I will not spend my life miserable just because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings...

To the Bloggers: Thanks for listening.

To Ryan, if you are reading this ... I hope you love us enough to make a change and make a difference. Because I DO love us enough for that even if you don't and none of the three of us should be living like this. Even if we are unhappy at the end to have a good new start ... we just can't keep going this way.

Today Ryan got a new job ...