Well so much has changed since the last time I was here ... Which do you want first - the good news or the bad?

We'll start with the bad ... maybe the good following will provide a sliver of hope ...

THE BAD::: Ryan decided to be "sick" again last week. And this week. So on Monday, he lost his job. Great. He felt so bad ... and he should have. We talked a lot, and I think that he was worried about "Us" and what that would do to us being together. So we talked about that too. I told him that so far, we are okay, but I also let him know that I can't be with someone I can't depend on. Before we got together I had very few bills and they were all very small ones. So I could cover everything on my child support, and that was fine with me because then I could be here to watch my little one grow up. The plan was to go to work when she went to school, and that way I could build us up some, you know?

But when Ryan and I got together, he wanted things. So he got a job to pay for those things. But now? We have bills ... some are not so small ... and only my child support. So we had some talks and we have had some arguments lately. But he is on the hunt, and this may have worked out for the best.

You see, Ryan HATED that job. Hated it really bad. So I'm sure that the hate for the job had something to do with Ryan always being so "sick", you know. And I would tell him, "Since you hate it there so bad, go and find another job that you will like, and then quit this one." But he didn't listen ... he didn't want to lose his health insurance ... and he just didn't want to listen. He is like that sometimes. So now he is forced to do it, and his health insurance runs out in twenty days or something like that. But then again, since he has been forced to get looking, he put his resume online, and has had some offers to apply for. He filled out applications for EVERYWHERE! So there is bound to be something, we just have to wait and see I guess.

We are still going to be able to make it to FL, if he has a job by then. We will be somewhat behind when we get back, but that's okay, and we will get caught up again soon. It is just stressful I guess, because now I am having less trust for him to fill the shoes that he put on so willingly. Less trust in him to do what he says he will. I don't know ... this has been a hard relationship already ... so now I am giving it to GOD and saying, "Please tell me what to do."

Lately it seems like every time I feel like we are getting somewhere, going somewhere, the world is like "Haha! Psyche!" And then I am down again. But that's not the best viewpoint, so here I am to get this out of my head.

Hopefully things will work out okay. Since he put his resume out and is actively looking at other companies, he found one that is in the field that he is going to school for, so if he can get that job, it would be really great and it would have a lot of potential. He also has an interview tomorrow for a hospital job ... not what he wants, but if nothing else, it would be a good "for now" kind of job. It will be a good job period if he can just get up and do it. He also got some offers for salary jobs .. if he can do it.

You know, I really love him as a guy and all ... and he's a good person, but I find myself left with little faith in him as a provider which is what he wanted to be. I will be so happy when Joey goes to school next year and I go to work, then I will have things resting on me and not worrying about if someone else is going to follow through. Then he can be "sick" as much as he feels like and I won't have to be sick with worry because of it.

And the sad thing is that even if I went and got a job, it would be pointless. I didn't graduate high school ... I quit to work and pay bills that my mother wouldn't pay (she is a long story ... a little loopy, and really bad with cash). And I haven't gone back for my GED yet, though that is the plan. So even if I got a job it would be a sucky one that would cover nothing but daycare. After paying four hundred dollars a month for child care, I'd be left with less then three hundred, if I got total full-time, and six an hour. Plus, I haven't had a job in over five years ... Richard wanted a house-wife, and I was content to be that. It seems though, that now that is going to come back and kick me where it hurts. Now that I haven't had a job in so long, it will be hard for me to get one, just because of the way things change in the workplace. People who would have referenced me before would no longer be working where I could find them, and so that would leave me without references, you know?

Jeez giving the bad news made the good news slip totally from my mind. Now I feel like crap. Let me go get my positive attitude back and I will come tell the good news ... when there is some.

Recently on Myspace, I ran into some old friends from when I was growing up in my small town in FL. One was an on-again-off-again friend, and the other was a friend that I was so close to that I still considered her my best friend, though we hadn't spoken in years. Another was Brian ... the one I talked about in the posts about my dad. The first guy to "sleep over". My first love lasted from kindergarten to tenth grade ... It was Brian.

Originally I was excited, but all of them are having some rough times right now.

Jessica (the best friend) is now married with two beautiful daughters. She and I have been catching up a lot over the past few days, and I couldn't possibly be more happy to be back in touch with her. It must have been one of those times when we felt we needed each other, because we'd both been looking for each other online all these years, and now that we are talking, it seems like we just picked up where we left off. Like nothing has changed.

The problem? EVERYTHING has changed ... We both got married, without each other there. We both had kids ... without each other there. She and her mother were never close. Her mother was a slacker mom who allowed terrible things to happen to Jessica and then first accused her of lying, then blamed her for what had happened. Last year, Jessica's mother died in a house fire ... they were still very much at odds, and Jessica has always felt bad that they couldn't make amends. Now that guilt is multiplied. Her father ... God, her father has become so ill ... ... he has had chemo and tons of surgery for cancer. Other issues have paralyzed him on one side. I remember sitting in his living room when we were kids, and talking to him about my life, and his. Usually waiting on Jess ... He still lives in that house ... I am debating stopping in to see him while I am down there in a few weeks.

And after all this time, to finally be talking to her again ... she is in for heart surgery in a few weeks. There is a hole in her heart that is allowing the blood to pump both ways, back and forth. One side of her heart is 5x the size it should be, and it has cut her breathing capacity in half. This was discovered only a few months ago, while she was still pregnant with her seven month old daughter. Because of the increased heart size and the increasing size of the baby, her breathing was cut off so much that she kept passing out at work and at home. I am scared that after being connected to her again, something might happen .... God, she was my best friend .. we went through so much together, and now we have gone through too much apart.

Amanda ... she was the on-again-off-again. He mother died as well. A few years ago, she had cancer and she died. Amanda too had a baby. Her son is now almost five years old. I remember walking down main street with her, hoping that my mom wasn't in town that day. I was supposed to be hanging out at Amanda's house, and we'd walked all the way to town to window shop. We both new there'd be hell to pay if I got caught there. I remember Amanda's mom didn't like me. One day she came to pick us up from school, and we were smoking. She knew that, and that isn't the reason ... The reason she didn't like me is because when my cigarette would get down to the butt, instead of holding it regularly, and letting it burn my fingers, I'd hold in between finger and thumb so it wouldn't burn me. Also, from years of hiding the smoke coming from my hands, I'd taken to holding the cigarette so that it pointed into my palm, sort of hidden. She thought I had all the smoking traits of a pothead ... She never knew I didn't do it ...

And Brian ... He's in Iraq. He's a marine. I haven't heard back from him, because he hasn't logged on in a month ... I hope he's okay. Even if he doesn't remember me or anything like that, I just hope he's okay.

What a wild few days, so full of ups and downs. I feel like I've gotten onto a roller-coaster that goes and goes instead of stopping after too few minutes. But there is one thing I can say ... at least I am being reminded of how blessed I am to still have my parents ... to not actually be AT WAR ... to have all of my neccessities, and my health and family beside me.

 

GOD? Thank you ...

Message from the parents, to their daughter's love interests:

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or pastors within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Well, I started my post earlier with the thought that I had nothing to say ... but I knew I wanted to be posting. Now, I am speaking to finish all the earlier thoughts and updates. Let's start where we started ... Joey.

She has made a little friend. There is this little boy named Tyler that she goes to play with and she is so in awe of him. Every day Joey is asking to play with him, and asking when can she go play with him again. She is his favorite person too ... until we get there. He is so sweet and cute, and his mom says that he is always asking for Joey to play. But once we get there it is another story. They bicker and argue and Ty doesn't want to share, so Joey pops him one and then he will hit her back. It is her own fault ... but how can they ask and beg for each other for a week, and then fight the whole time they are together to play? Anyone else have this semi-problem? I am sure that it will resolve itself as the kids get older and more mature. As they learn to play better with other kids. I don't know.

Okay, moving on along here ... Ryan. The book thing? Well, I thought that it was dead, done, over. But he sent a reply the other day. Now what am I supposed to do? I told him that I would check out the book again and do the next chapter, but then I was going to turn it in again. I told him that I am not getting my hopes up about that again, and that if we do it, it is now because he wants to. I also made it clear that I am in no hurry to go check the book back out. We talked about it when he sent the reply on Saturday. I haven't gotten the book yet. But I am going to go get it tomorrow. After that ... it is up to him. And as for the wedding plans? They are still on, but slowing down. We have run into some snags that are ... well,

....

they aren't just snags. They are total excitement-suckers. Things like, "What food to have at the reception?" We could finally move on to that one, because I finally won the "BEER OR NOT TO BEER" fight. Yikes ... he wanted to have a keg. What was I supposed to do ... deck it out in my roses? I can see it now ... all the men in the crowd crowded around the keg, sweating from the beer and hating their ties because of the sweat. Most likely, they would be hating the flowers draped over their manly keg too. All the women? At the other end of the room, angry with their men for abandoning them for the beer. A flashback to every middle school dance that I ever went to, with the addition of alcohol to replace the "punch bowl". Uh, no. But we are agreed now that I made it clear that I am not against ALL alcohol. Just the kind that would be more suited to a bbq. So we are going tasting at a few vineyard/wineries in the next few months. One of them even does custom labels.

Another snag? Everyone we know ... "You are planning too early," or "You should know better than to get married again." Well, that second one is for me, of course. From my family. The ones that should be happy for me. Like my mother for Christ's sake. And I haven't told my father that we are planning yet. He'd have a stroke! Total excitement-suckers. My response the early-planning?? Good. If I am planning early, we can make sure that we get what we want. When we want. We can make sure that we KNOW what we want so that we can get it. We have a chance to prevent some kinks, and maybe work some of them out early. Also ... big money saver! We looked for mountain chalet rental prices. The cabin that we want is a couple hundred if we book it now for after the wedding ceremony. If we book the same cabin now for next year at the same time? A few thousand! Big savings? Yep. So we will be booking ASAP. And if by chance we don't get married then? Well, the reservation can be canceled. If we don't get married but are still together? Everyone can use a vacation right? That's what we'd turn it into.

My response to the "Don't do it" people? Well, that one is easy and simple. Just because they let one (or several) bad experience make them bitter and miserable doesn't mean that I have to. And I am a romantic at heart. I can't be bitter ... I tried. When Richard and I split I tried so hard to hate him and make everything his fault. But it wasn't. I had my share too. Granted, my share was more like, "I got myself into this mess" and his share was like, "He's an @$$/loser/druggie/liar/promise breaker." But I had my share of faults ... still do. I even tried to hate him for abandoning Jo. But I can't do that either because I know that she is better off without him. Who needs that kind of dad? He would only have broken her heart, and taught her to look for the wrong men. And I can't hate him for being honest. Without the penis ... he didn't want kids. He just neglected to tell me that. But that's okay. No bigee. I wanted her bad enough for both of us. And now? I don't have to be both parents anymore.

So I am moving on, and praying that this time, I come out on top. I just want my shot you know? My family, in the sense that I have always thought that family should be. What girl doesn't want that? This time ... I think I am going to be okay. I used to joke with Ryan and tell him that even if we broke up for some heinous reason, he'd still be like relationship-Neosporin after Richard. I still think that. I have grown up a lot, and so has Ryan. We are different people now than we were when we got together. The thing that makes that okay is that we still feel in love. That means that instead of growing apart, we are growing together. For now at least. And in the meantime, I am going to be girly and excited ... even if I'm doing it with only Ryan. Even if I am the only one I know (besides Ryan) who is excited for me ... for us.

There is one thing though. I am scared this time. I don't know if I can really be completely trusting again. I think that even though I took my marriage with Richard seriously, I wasn't scared enough. If I had been, I'd have been more on my guard and would never have gotten myself in that deep. Now? I am scared ... and I see it as a good thing.

There really isn't.

It seems that once I am out of turmoil of the emotional variety, I lose interest in things, and my life loses it's zest. If I am not freaking out about something that is probably silly, then it seems to me that I am plain and boring. And so is my simple life. Then again ...

Joey is doing awesome with the potty lately. She had one "accident" today that I'm sure was more rebellion than accident. Anyway it was dealt with kindly because it is the first in weeks. MY little princess has been dry day and night for over a week ... maybe two? I'm not sure. And I think that now we have that brat Calliou out of the picture, I am hard at work to find the angel that seems to be hiding behind the little devil's spawn that I have been so frustrated with for the past few weeks.

Now who would ever have thought to find a mom who thought of little bald Calliou as a brat? I do. It only took one show seen on a repeated basis to ruin my daughter, in spite of our talks about why Calliou's behavior in that particular episode was not exactly good. In this episode, Calliou gets up early in the morning, before anyone else. He thinks that today is the day for the circus, so he is attempting to get dressed on his own so his parents won't have to dress him. How sweet ....

I smirked as I watched Calliou pull his shirt on, then his shorts. I laughed when he pulled his socks on so hard that he shoved a toe through one of the socks. I laughed again when he pulled his shoelaces so tight on one shoe that they broke off. Then he went excitedly to the bathroom to brush his teeth and just as he shoots toothpaste all over himself, his father shows up behind him at the door.

DAD: Whatcha doin' Calliou?

CALLIOU (in the trademark high-pitched whine): I'm getting ready daddy. Today is the circus!

Me, watching: Awww, how cute ...

DAD: Today isn't the right day Calliou. The circus is tomorrow.

CALLIOU: What? No circus? But - But - But I got all dressed daddy. The circus is today daddy ... It's today ...

DAD: It is tomorrow Calliou, but that's okay. We can play today and go tomorrow morning when it is time. Let's go downstairs and make some breakfast.

CALLIOU (winding up for the blowout): No! NO, I don't want to!

At this point, my daughter is riveted. An explosion in front of her face would not take her eyes from the screen at this moment.

DAD: Okay ...

And then the dad leaves his grumbling son behind, in the bathroom. Calliou proceeds to fling himself on the floor, still grumbling, and he picks up a car to play with. As he is rolling it back and forth along the floor, one of the wheels pops off. Now, I am not completely cold, okay? I've got a heart. At this point in my watching experience I am just full of sympathy for this poor kid whose day really got off to a bad start. But here it comes ...

As the wheel pops off the car, Calliou throws himself in the floor, fists and feet all going at once, and shrieking at the top of his lungs. He wakes up the rest of the house, his father comes to lecture him for waking Rosie (the little sister), and then they go down to breakfast. Somehow, Joey didn't see the lecturing part.

She missed it.

Maybe that was the part where my imaginary explosion happened ... and she just didn't see the lecture through the flames.

So from that day on, my daughter proceed to throw fits of temper ... a lot of them. She also added "NO I DON"T WANT TO!!!" to her vocabulary. Nice huh? What a great show.

It took me a while to figure out what was going on with her, but now that we have been a week or so without the cute, bald, screaming Calliou, the tantrums are dwindling, and the "NO I DON"T WANT TO" only comes in a mumble. Thank GOD for the return of her real personality and the cure for the bout of "Wow-that's-cool" syndrome that she had contracted.

Maybe there is news ... I have some more, actually.

*To be continued ...