The idea is officially dead. I told Ryan the other day that I was going to take my books back to the library. He kinda jerked to attention and asked, "All of them?" I told him that I was taking ALL of them. He said, "Oh." Sorta quiet, you know.
I took them back and we talked a little about the whole thing, because he seemed upset that I was taking them back to the library. I'm not. After I sent him emails, I would excitedly await his reply, because the first one made me think that it was going to work. That book described Ryan and I and our relationship to a "T", and I really felt that we would be much closer and have a better understanding of each other after working through the story and the thoughts, you know? Normally, he is the perfect guy to suggest something like that too, he is (well, he used to be) into all of that. He isn't much of a spare-time reader, though he is good at it, but the rest of the idea would have appealed to him. He said that he wanted to do the book, but that he couldn't "find time" to do it.
That hurt. I spend all of my days chasing a toddler, and then I spend my nights and evenings being a "good" woman for him. We have the old-time family ... he works, I cook and clean. And we like it that way, most of the time. )It's old-time, except I don't have the same sense of contentment. Unlike those women, I know that there should be something ... not just what I am content to be settled into. I don't want to be in a rut just because I am there. I know that we are in a rut, and I WANT OUT OF IT!) So I am always busy, and trust me there are no bon-bons or soap operas involved. I don't really give myself that much of my time. So why can't he find time for me? When he comes home from work, he is often on the computer ... right where he would need to be to have done this. It is just that he is doing other things that he would prefer to do. I know that it is sweet for him to avoid saying, "You know, this just isn't for me," but he really had my spirits lifted when he said he'd want to do this, and so not having done it was a huge let-down for me. I will never suggest something like this to him again, no matter how far we drift apart, or how much the story is us. If we do it again, it will be his idea.
When he said that he couldn't find time, I just said, "Well, it's due back and I'm not renewing it. IF you want to do this, I will know it when I see a reply. Then I will check the book back out to do the next one. But I am not wasting anymore time holding the book for nothing." He looked hurt by that, but for the moment, I didn't care. I'm sorry now to have hurt him, but why should I keep waiting for him. Lately the Staind song, "Right Here" makes me think of him, and he still hasn't caught on that I don't just naturally like that song. I am not a rocker. I like it because it is in line with my feelings lately. It seems I am always "waiting" and he seems to almost like it that way. Maybe I am wrong ... But I downloaded the song two weeks ago, and I hear it all the time now. When I am down, I go to GOD, but Staind is in the background.
I also know how badly it reflects on us that my thoughts this morning on the subject are this: "When we are in the same position that this couple in the book was in ... Maybe then he will make time for me." It doesn't look good for us that I am feeling that much in need of his time. Since I am not one of the clingy types, it tends to equal feeling neglected, and I know that it is not an unreasonable feeling. We don't even really have the same routines when we are together anymore. Another song? Faith Hill "It Matters to Me." God, how sad is that ... on both of our parts?
I am trying to be understanding about it though. He really is pretty busy ... he is working from around 9 to around 6 or 7 every day and he is only off on the weekends. Then when he comes home at night, he tries to play with Joey and talk to me some as we have dinner, and then Jo is off to bed soon, and I am almost ready for sleep myself. He plays computer games as a time to rest and relax, and I know that. But ... where do I fit in then? I know that I said he talks to me some, but it is about little trivial things ... How was work, it was fine, how was your day, it was fine ... I say it was fine everyday, because if I attempt to really answer him he is already off before I have thought of a real answer. We used to talk about so much more complex things. That was part of what made me fall for him in the first place, I was worth talking to ... our conversations really were varied and long-ranging. I loved it ...
I am in love with him so it really hurts to feel that we are heading for the same place as that poor couple in that book. I can only hope that he loves me as much as the husband in the story did ... and that it turns out that well for us. I would hate to spend the rest of my life in a routine. But since we are already drifting like this, I am slowing down the wedding plans, and jacking the budget WAY up. That way, it will take a while, and I can see how things will be in another year or so. If we are still going strong ... well, then maybe the plans will step back into the definite. Right now? I am putting them in the "dreams" realm again. I will still plan occasionally, and still dream about the perfect dress and shoes ... but all girls do that if they haven't had it yet, right? I am not going to go on a huge planning fest again until I am more sure of him and his feelings ... I think.
*Disclaimer - Everyone who reads this should know that it is about 50% "Word vomit" (thanks Sharman), and that I only feel like this in the background of my mind. Mostly, I just say to myself ... "It's just not his thing. Wait and see." And then it isn't a big deal ... or so I tell myself. So I was just thinking of it right now, and I wanted it out of my head so it wouldn't bring me down today. I still want to see today's miracles and I don't want this cloud hanging over my head. But next time it "feels like rain" this is so where I'm going to let it pour. It can't affect me anymore that way it has been. It's just not good for any of us if any of us are dwelling on it.
