Yesterday when I posted a little about Ryan and the book idea that I had, I said that I was okay with this taking so long for him to get into.

I lied.

I sent the Prologue and then I anxiously awaited his reply for days. Then when it came, I relied to that one, and again, I waited. Finally, we moved on to the first chapter, and I sent that email last Friday and have heard nothing, except for how long it was, and that I should send the next chapters in segments.

Frankly, it is hurtful to me that he is telling me that he wants to do this with me, but I don't feel him having any special desire for this effort. I know that he is only doing it because I asked. I feel like he is only doing it because he feels obligated. I hate it that I am waiting like some retarded little schoolgirl, and sometimes I just want to tell him nevermind ... and that it just isn't the same when I feel like I am forcing him to do this. I feel like since he says I am so important to him and that he loves me, he should be all for anything that might make us be together more. I have wanted to tell him to just forget it for a little while now, but I don't want to give up yet, because that will kill something in this relationship that might not ever come alive again.

I have told him that I don't feel as close to him anymore, that I feel like we are already drifting apart ... not talking enough, not spending enough time together anymore. So why isn't he more into this? And it isn't like he doesn't have the time. It isn't like he is just so busy that he can't do it. Today he was playing online billiards for a LOOOOOOOONG time, and didn't even look at that email. I am really down about this, and thinking that it wasn't such a good idea after all ... he isn't into it and that makes me feel like I am not that important, like I am ... On the Back Burner.

To pool, though? How sucky is that? I have been on the back burner to other girls and what they carry in their panties (first serious guy). I just figured, "Hey, that's guys," and I got over it. I have been on the back burner to retarded head games with a guy who was "hard to get" until I "got" someone else (second serious guy). Then, I figured, "Okay, that's weird guys," and I got over that, too. I have been on the back burner to drugs, girls and lies all at once (Richard). I figured, "Boy was that a bad choice," and I got over that, too. Because I believed that it really was a bad choice and am immature guy, I was able to get over that almost as easily as the first and second times. Am I now on the back burner to pool? When do I get to have a guy who finds me as important and fascinating as I find him?

And don't get me wrong, I am SO NOT NOT NOT one of those clingy chicks that has to have a guy drooling on her and hanging on her every word ...

But I like to feel important too. When I cook dinner for him, it is because I love him, and want him to be healthy and for his stomach to be satisfied. When I pluck my eyebrows and shave and wear make-up with some nice clothes for an evening together, it is because I love him, and want him to find me pretty like he did when we met. When my favorite time of each day is when we have dinner together because that is when we sit and talk while watching tv (and lately it is the only time), that is DEFINITELY because I love him.

Rubbing his back, not fighting for better music or tv shows, typing for LOOOOONG periods of time so that I can send it to him and talk to him the only way that I THOUGHT he would make time for? That is because I love him ... Is it selfish to sit back and say, "What about me?"

Other than the book thing, we have had a really great couple of days. We have spent some time together, we have spent lots of time talking, we spent some time shopping and cooking together. He took me out to dinner on Friday, and our nine month mark is tomorrow. But I can't help thinking, "What if I am only on the front for a minute? Like he's moved me up to the top of the list so that I can be stirred. Then what? Will I return to the back burner to simmer some more until I boil over and another lovely dish is ruined?"

I hate this feeling ... this horrible feeling of, "Oh, GOD ... not again."

I think that I am getting a lot closer to having some real success with Joe's potty training. We were really having a hard time, and I was just about ready to quit and try again later. But a few weeks ago when Ryan was sick, he left our bedroom to barf and he couldn't stop long enough to put the baby gate back on our door. Well, Joey hopped up and ran into my room, where we kept a little potty.

You know, that way she could go when she had to, even if someone was in the bathroom? Well, that day, she went in there, pulled her pull-up down, and went. By herself! Without my help at all! Like a 'big girl'!

So we decided to just go ahead and put that potty in the bathroom and let her do it on her own. Now ...

She is in panties all day if we are just staying at home! I still put pull-ups on her when she is going to bed, or whenever we are leaving the house. But yesterday, I thought, "What the hell?" I went ahead and left her in her panties while we went out. We went to the light company and paid them. We went to the cable company and paid them. We went to get gas and make a potty stop ... still dry, and she went.

Then we went to the grocery store ... we did all of our shopping which takes FOREVER when I let Ryan come. I swear when I go alone, or even with Joey, I am in and out in thirty minutes. When we all go? Two hours.

But I digress ... Anyway we did all of our shopping, and while Ryan stood in checkout, I took Jo to the potty again. She did great, still dry and she went. You should have seen me ... so proud of my little one that I could've cried! Then ... we went to dinner ... and she still did good! All the way home. Yesterday was the first full day without ONE SINGLE accident!

Oh my Gosh I was so happy!

Today, she went to her first "friend's" third birthday party, and she pee'd herself out of three outfits. Good days and bad days, right? We are going to keep trying! Nothing is going to kill the excitement I've got from yesterday ... Like I'm finally getting somewhere!

...

On another note ... the book thing is back on ... kinda. He finally ended up sending something back to my Prologue reply, but it was because I was really down and he happened to say something about emails at the just the perfect moment, and I said something. I think that he'd asked me to email him something and I'd said, "No, you won't answer it anyway." He knew exactly what I was talking about, and then he replied to me. I didn't have anything really to say back that time, because I was upset that I had to say something to get him moving.

But I went ahead and sent him the next chapter ... Chapter One. This was the day before yesterday, and as yet, I have no reply. It's okay for now though, because it was a really long one. I was going to separate the first chapter into sections because it was so long, but he said it was okay and for me to just send it all. But I did and now ... nothing. I will wait and see what happens, but I am not going to mention this one at all, and when it comes up due, I will turn the book in and not say another word about it.

But if this goes nowhere, with him knowing how important it is to me and how excited I was about doing it together ... I don't know where we will go together as a couple ...

Lately, Joey's speech has been moving along very nicely and she is stringing words together and everything. But a few days ago, she got a new word. She says it so seriously, so solemnly, and we are sure that it means something to her.

The problem? It means nothing to us.

Maybe someone with kids might have a guess as to what this might mean? This morning she crawled into bed with Ryan and snuggled up to him and said, "Daddy, poonin'?" And we were just like ... "Huh?"

Ay-yie-yie!

I am so friggin sick of this stupid Log-in Time-out thing! This a dang journaling site ... it's not like we need Homeland Security monitoring how long we've been sitting "inactive" on one screen! I can't even count how many times I have taken a while to type up a great post and lost it because my damn log-in "timed out." They should at least let us set that so that if we type long posts, then we will actually have the time to type the damn things!

I shouldn't have to type my posts on a WP program and then cut and paste them ... there is a post entry screen for a reason right?

Let's just say that today I have been thinking about the past, and the way that my relationship with Ryan was in the past.

I miss the past. A lot.

It seems that once a man knows that you love him, once he knows that he has your heart, he says to himself, "Good job. Well done." But he forgets to warn himself that he is NOT DONE!!!

It happens all the time. A girl is in love with her new guy and right after she brags to all her friends about what a good man he is and all of the wonderful things that he does ... he stops. He stops taking out the trash, he stops taking HIS OWN dishes to the sink, he stops putting his clothes IN the damn hamper, he stops picking up his garbage.

And dear God, DO NOT ASSUME THAT IT IS GARBAGE AND THROW IT AWAY!!! Just because it is spread out all over your kitchen floor does not mean that it is garbage. Apparently, men love to leave their stuff on the floor where it can get ruined and then once you've thrown it out they say, "Well I needed that, why'd you throw it away?"

*Note to Blogstream Organizer People : We need a "pimp-slap" emoticon!

And oh, heaven forbid if you mention that they DO have two arms and that if they want to keep something, they ARE actually capable of putting it away ON THEIR OWN!!! They will freak out and get all defensive as if you just told them that they smell bad and have snot running down their face. No wait, that's girls ... ... They get all defensive as if you just told them they smell like flowers and would look great in a flowered pair of bellbottoms!

Why? Why do they do this? And then they wonder why things aren't the same, and they say retarded stuff like, "Are you still happy?" No moron, I am barely content at the moment. God forbid, do not ask me again after I am done cleaning up after you! Ask me after you bring me flowers and diamonds and an unlimited-no-pay-back credit account! Then you will get the answer you want to hear, because I will clean the diamonds, smell the flowers, and use the credit account to buy a maid whose name isn't "Hey-baby-will-you-bring-me-a-beer?"

Grrrrrrrr!!!!